


in which dave strider moves to a new highschool

by regular69



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Drug Use, F/F, F/M, Gay, Highschool AU, Humanstuck, M/M, Multi, Other, Trans, Weed, davekat - Freeform, headcanons, minuature homosexual
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:08:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 28,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23394520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/regular69/pseuds/regular69
Summary: in which i make dave strider live out my life because i use fictional characters as a coping mechanism. follow dave as he learns what trans people are, reconnects with his family, and most importantly falls in love
Relationships: Cronus Ampora/Porrim Maryam, Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Eridan Ampora/Sollux Captor, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, Sollux Captor/Feferi Peixes
Comments: 27
Kudos: 58





	1. in which dave gets introduced

**Author's Note:**

> listen this isnt gonna be all that good. this is actually just a way im coping with the fact that i have to move away from all my friends

your name is dave strider and you are currently living a classic high school melodramatic plot, in which you move to a new high school your junior year.

yipee.

  
its not like this information was suddenly sprung onto you like one of those little slinky toys that are literally just a giant spring. you’ve been moving you’re whole life, every couple of years your brother finds a new job, tries to reinvent his life, and you guys gotta move.

  
you’ve lived in five different american states, twice as many houses, and once you spent a semester in colombia with a woman who said she was your grandma, but who might have been trying to kidnap you. she was hella good at card games though.

  
she was one of the few friends you’ve had during your traveling years. the term ‘friend’ is thrown around loosely, ‘friend’ is basically anyone who doesnt run away screaming when you try to talk to them. technically, no one has ever run away from you in a literal sense, but saying ‘cock’ in a small town utah middle school got you a VIP pass to eating alone with the peanut allergy kids.

  
the peanut allergy kids were actually nice though, so you didnt care.

  
thats the best part about being weird. you meet weird people just like you, and they’re much better than those sporty kids. man do you hate sporty kids.

  
you had two ‘friends’ at your old school, you’d known them for about three years, and it wasnt exactly hard to say goodbye. yeah, call you a psychopath, but for some reason you just don’t get attached to people. you think you might’ve shed a single tear when you had to move from connecticut, but you got over it pretty quick.

your gut drops pretty quick when you step off the bus. you forgot how awful it felt to be in a new place. a place where you dont know any exit points, or any of the kids or teachers. you don’t know anything right now and its the worst feeling in the world. someone could peel back your toenails and pour salt on the torn bloody flesh and it would feel better than this. actually, you take it back. that sounds pretty awful.

  
but you’ve got your earbuds in. so +1. walking anywhere with earbuds in is always a mood booster.

  
you know that feeling when you feel like everyone is staring at you? yeah. it sucks right. you can practically hear everyones thoughts. weird kid jokes, school shooter jokes, new kid jokes, all blast through your brain. you kinda wish you could take a blast to the brain right now. heh heh. classic suicide joke. comedy gold.  
you sit on the floor. the floor is such a comfortable place to sit and nobody understands. its cold, and uncomfortable, and the slouch makes your neck hurt, and you love it.  
you tilt your shades up slightly so you can look at your phone screen. shades dont work very well with a dim phone screen, and also, yes, you’re wearing shades.

  
theres something so nice about shades, or sunglasses if you’re a filthy city slicker. maybe its the mystery, or the fact they hide your eyes. they are prescription, if only a little bit, so maybe the comfort comes from the ability to see. do you have regular glasses? yeah, but why would you wear regular glasses when you could wear sunglasses.

  
well, regular glasses allow you to look at your phone screen, but your glasses are mainly for distance, so they also wouldn’t work for a phone screen. whatever. you just need to look at your schedule. because you’re at a new school.

  
sometimes the realization hits you again and again. you really don’t have any friends, and you’re at a new school. it only really hits when you laugh too hard at a meme, and think about your friends, but this time it hits because, well, you’re here.  
at school.

  
you turn up your music a notch or two. it helps a little bit.

get-to-know-you-games suck. you’ve always hated them. the whole concept of ‘introduce yourself to new kids!’ gets kinda old after third grade, and if you’re a new kid, you’re the target. everyone is always trying to talk to you. you tell three kids you just moved here from wales, in a british accent of course. you tell another kid you’re blind, and thats why you’re wearing sunglasses. you make sure to play a game on your phone after you’ve told him this. you tell a lot of kids you’re from texas, because you are, and you throw on an extra heavy southern accent for them. when one girl asks if you have any hobbies you say ‘wanking the ween and flicking the bean’

  
by the end of the day you’ve only become friends with one person, and its the weird girl from your art class. she wore cat ears and looked like she never combs her hair. she went on a rant about shading and why this art teacher sucks. she laughed when you called her a furry and she said ‘like nya?’  
you dont remember her name.

your brother is home when you get home, he’s on the couch with earbuds in and laptop open. he’s working. you quietly go to your room. you get a text an hour later from him, he’s got a lot of online work to do and the wifi here sucks, so hes going into town. you’re on your own for dinner. you eat cheerios.

  
cheerios, you think, are underrated.  
they’re often labeled as ‘old people cereal’ but they actually slap. they’re practically flavorless, unless something else is added of course, and they arent very filling, and you love them. maybe you just like them because thats what was always given to you. when people donate food it isnt exactly the good stuff. maybe they’re really cheap, so bro bought them a lot, and now you’re obsessed. are cheerios expensive? you have no idea. a lot of your childhood memories are lost to your subconscious, you think you started forgetting it all when you cracked open your head two years ago, but you don’t really remember.

going on your phone is a fun game of roulette, because you use instagram, and all you’re friends are there. you’ve made a new account, you like to start fresh, but all of your old friends have been practically spamming with ‘we miss you!’

  
its sweet. you hated most of those kids, but its very sweet. you might just get a cavity. hope bro has dental insurance with his new job.

  
you don’t cry, but it gets close. you enjoy crying, its an easy way to squeeze out all emotions at once, but you are not about to cry over the kid who you had to explain what ‘yiffing’ was.

  
you still miss them though.


	2. in which dave makes friends

the next day at school you sit with the cat ear furry girl from art class. she explains that she likes to talk to new kids, and she’s made so many friends by just inviting the lonely quiet kids to sit with her.

  
“anyway what do you think of my drawing?” she asks and slides it over to you. it’s some sort of alien, you think. its not bad either.

  
“pretty damn good.” you tell her. theres two names at the bottom of the paper. one seems to be her signature. nepeta. you’ll try to remember it this time. nepeta. pet. like cat. cause shes a furry. nepeta.

  
“its a drawing of my friend, i drew him as a grumpy ol’ troll cause he’s a crabby little thing. he’ll probably say he hates it, but i know he’ll keep it forever. he’s sappy like that.”

  
you squint at the name at the bottom. “i’m gonna assume his name is karkat? odd name.”

  
she nods. “he may seem very scary, but he’s such a sappy sweetheart. he doesn’t have lunch this hour though, otherwise i’d introduce you. most of my friends actually have 5th hour lunch, so its usually just me and sollux, and now you!”

  
you’re going to assume sollux is the other kid at the table. you honestly forgot he was there for a second. he’s wearing these two toned 3D glasses and has been doing something on his computer the whole time. his posture makes you cringe. he looks like a gamer and you tell him so.

  
“as a gamer, i dont get respect,” he mutters.

  
nepeta starts laughing about something and tries to explain the joke to you, but it manages to slip your brain. it was alright though. she give you her instagram.

  
you look through her account in your next class, because you’re the sad new kid and teachers don’t care if you’re on you’re phone.

  
nepeta has mainly pictures of her drawings, cats, and her friends. none of the pictures are good, but they have a sense of realism to them, from pictures of blurry open mouth laughs, to videos of her cats chasing a ping pong ball.

  
you find sollux’s account, its private and looks like he never uses it. he probably doesn’t.

  
you also search for karkats account, because you’re bored and curious. based off his account, he’s a nerd. theres images of him on the debate team, and him doing service work for some church. he’s even got a family picture up there, and boy do they all look unhappy. theres a couple of good images of him with his friends though. you get the feeling his parents follow his instagram. you check his followers list, and yup. father vantas. his dad’s a pastor. so karkat is one of those kids. the religious stuck up ones. good. now at least you’ll know to avoid him.

you hate super religious kids.

your bro brings home pizza for dinner. its some weird gas station pizza that puts on a little too much sauce and the cheese tastes like rubber. you eat 5 slices.

  
“hows school. made any friends yet.” bro asks in kind of a distant tone. he cares, but he looks tired. you’ll keep it short.

  
“this one girl started talking to me.”

  
he whistles low and smooth. “lemme call town hall and book a marriage.”

“she wears cat ears.”

  
“you’re saying that like it derails the whole marriage thing. damn dave you got something against furries? you cut me deep.”

  
you snort lightly. “nah shes just one of those extroverts ya know? i’ll invite you to the wedding though.”

  
he does some sort of half-laugh in agreement, and then you two part ways. the relationship isnt exactly father-son, mostly cause he’s your brother, but theres still some distance between you. you lowkey plan on moving out and never talking to him again. you don’t hate him or anything, theres just a weird tension.

he’d probably understand.

you have one class with karkat. he dresses in oversized turtle neck sweaters, like a nerd.

you didn’t notice him the first couple of days, of course, because you didn’t know who he was. you avoid him like the coronavirus, which is easy. he doesn’t seem to care about new kids, which is odd because every single overly-religious kid obsesses over new kids, and tries to befriend them cause ‘thats what jesus would do’ or whatever.

karkat mainly hangs out with the stoner kid. you know this kid is a stoner because you were almost crying in the bathroom and he offered you weed to calm you down. you appreciated the offer, and thanked him kindly, but declined.

  
he’s probably trying to ‘fix’ the weird kid yknow? like, he’ll be one of those people whos like ‘in just fifteen days, i cured the stoner of sin!’ like an informercial. ‘purchase now, and we’ll throw in a free turtle neck vest!’  
for some reason that makes you laugh. its so dumb, its hilarious. if you ever do talk to karkat, you’ll be sure to tell him.


	3. in which dave learns about gay people

sollux has a girlfriend, which is very normal.

he has a girlfriend, and you ask him if he drinks her bathwater. the girlfriend laughs and says she doesnt take baths. you don’t question that statement.

his girlfriend is a semi sporty lookin girl, thick with muscle. you think she’s on swimteam, cause she talks about it constantly, and shes kind of weird, but you expected that from a girl who likes sollux.

the weird part of it tho, is her ex.

feferi, thats the girlfriends name, has an ex boyfriend, and thats where is gets weird.

the ex is obviously gay. hes flamboyant and wears crop tops with winged eyeliner. the ex boyfriend keeps flirting with sollux, and sollux flirts back, and feferi is right there.

first of all, its gay, and small town texas doesnt have gay people. okay well is has like two gay people, but its not like they were talked about highly.

you try to piece together the whole situation.

sollux is dating feferi, sollux is also playing footsy with the pompous rich kid sitting next to you. you havent caught his name, but you feel like it’d be something like Azul or River. he looks like his mom is anti vax and he drinks lavender essential oil for breakfast. you tell him.

“you’re not wrong about my mom, but i ain’t exactly a fan o’ her.”

“damn. mommy issues.”

sollux snickers. “he’s got daddy issues too.”

feferi pipes in. “he has all sorts of issues!”

everyone laughs except for him. you’ve really gotta learn his name if you wanna keep this internal dialogue coherent. you clear your throat awkwardly.

“so whats the deal here? like, with you two and you two?” you gesture to fef and sollux, and then from sollux to the rich kid next to you. sollux sighs deeply. feferi opens her mouth to explain, but sollux interrupts.

“its none of your business, pervert.”

you roll your eyes, which means nothing behind sunglasses.

“yeah okay but i’ve got an internal monologue that i’m tryna keep going. i’m just curious. like obviously you’re a flamimg homo,” you gesture to the kid next to you and his expression changes to something of pure anger. “but i woulda never thought sollux would exactly be the kinda guy to take it up the ass.”

the table goes quiet. uh oh. nepeta looks at you very seriously.

“dave.” she says softly. “just assume for the time being that everybody at this school is gay. if you think they’re straight, assume they’re bi, okay?” she tells you sweetly.

well now you feel like a fool. this is one of those liberal schools huh. with like, vegan kids. you just offended some special snowflakes. somebody shoot you. you’re never gonna last at this school if you can’t even make a few dark jokes.

“damn.” you mutter softly.

“yeah no fuckin kidding.” the kid next to you growls.

“hey, no hard feelings okay? im from texas, gay people don’t exist there. well, like two gay people exist.”

nepeta laughs in a weird sort of alsjkahdksn way. you’re not sure how she does that. “don’t worry about it! we’ve converted kids before. freshman john came from some weird private school last year, and by halloween we had him im a skirt!”

sollux laughed loudly, which is weird cause you never see him laugh. “freshman john was saying Fuck within a week of sitting with us. damn that kid was fun to break.”

now you’re feeling uncomfy. these kids tryna make you gay? is that even possible? you kindly remind them: “yall i aint gay.”

they all laugh at that, which makes you more nervous.

“oh no!” the kid next to you says mockingly. “you’re sitting next to a homo! better wash your hands or you’ll catch the gay!”

nepeta hands you a pencil with a giggle. you pick it up nervously. “watch out!” she laughs. “a tranny used that pencil!”

“wait what” you drop the pencil impulsively. nepetas trans? impossible. they all laugh at your stupidity. to be fair, you’re pretty dumb. freaking out about gay people.

in about a week you were starting to question your sexuality. you still weren’t gay, but freshman john DID look hella cute in a skirt.

freshman john was actually a sophomore. everyone calls him freshman john though because he started this school as a freshman and theres so many johns at this school, that people just started calling him freshman john. the name stuck.

freshman john isnt gay, but he tells you he has been questioning his gender a lot. you’ve adjusted pretty well to this whole trans thing though, so you do the proper thing and ask his pronouns. he says hes sticking with he/him.

“but dont get shocked if you see me in a dress and people start calling me june!” he jokes, except it isnt really a joke because he actually does wear dresses sometimes. the fact that nepeta is trans still amazes you. you just didnt realize it. like, she was pretty masculine but a lot of girls are masculine these days. someone tells you its the misogyny. you agree. it is the misogyny.

you start hanging out with john a lot. he’s a funny guy, you’re not gonna lie. he seems to like talking to you. theres only a few downsides about hanging out with john. first of all, he’s a year younger than you, so you don’t get to talk to him very often. second of all, he’s friends with rose.

you can’t quite remember how you and rose are related. you know you are related though, because you two look very similar. its honestly terrifying. her hair’s a little different though. she could be your sister for all you know.

you just remember hanging out at her house for a summer or two, because it was before your bro was old enough to take care of you and your dad just dumped you guys off at some chicks house. and that chick was rose, and roses family of course.

you knew rose still lived here, but she was kinda like that cousin that you have no interest in ever talking to. like, you’ll say hi at family events, but dont expect any hugs or secret handshakes or anything.

rose tries really hard to talk to you. she messages you on instagram, and discord, and even your tumblr. how did she even find your tumblr? actually nepeta probably gave it to her, that little snitch.

of course your bro has to invite her family over for dinner. you guys are related some how, its only polite to invite them over.

rose has a older sister, roxy, who you don’t remember, but also you don’t remember a lot of your childhood. and of course mom lalonde is there with a classic bottle of wine. the fancy stuff too, but you don’t actually know anything about wine, so what do you know.

“so dave, how has school been.” rose asks you like shes your mom.

“great. lotsa new friends. my grades are good too. and my room is clean.”

“no need to be rude, im just being polite.” she picks at her food.

poor roxy is looking pretty lonely, since bro and mom lalonde are chatting up something furious, and you and rose were stuck together, she attempts to join your conversation.

“its been so long since we’ve talked dave!” she exclaims. “I bet you have so many stories to share with us! you went to mexico right?”

“colombia,” you correct her. she reminds you of nepeta. obsession with cats, the overeager personality, and a very similar fashion sense, though nepeta always wears a jacket, while roxy was wear some skimpy crop top. shes got a nice body though, and her voice is so smooth. something clicks in your brain.

“wait roxy are you trans?” the whole table laughs at you. apparently you were the only one who didnt notice the fact that roxy is, well, a girl.

“damn dave and i thought you were smart, mr. honors classes,” bro teases you.

“i just learned that trans people exist dude! and im technically not in any honors classes cause this school didnt give me the chance to sign up for classes.”

“you could always transfer classes. im in a lot of the honors classes, so you wouldnt be alone.” rose suggests and you actually kick her under the table. wow. its like you guys are real siblings. do real siblings even kick each other under the table?

“thats a great idea rose!” mom lalonde exclaims. “you two used to be such good friends, its so cute to see you two together again!”

“its good to be together again.” rose said. you roll your eyes, and only your bro notices because he can read through your shades.

“okay rose you have ten minutes to talk to me.” you sit down on your bed and cross your arms like you mean business. she daintily sits on the floor.

“i just wanted to connect with an old friend. i don’t understand why you’re being so aggressive, dave.”

“cause we havent talked in years. its awkward.”

she raises an eyebrow. “dave strider? being awkward? feeling uncomfortable? having feelings? wow you really have changed.”

“lalonde i will strangle you.”

“thats mighty aggressive.” she starts picking at the polish on her finger nails. it bothers you and you dont know why.

“heres my deal,” she says. “i get to ask you some questions for the remaining time i’m here, and then i’ll never try to talk to you at school.”

“i doubt you’ll keep your end.”

“i’ll try my best.”

you pause. its mainly for drama, but also you just need a moment. “alright. ask away.”

“how is school really going?”

“fantastic.”

“have you made any new friends?”

“none.”

she squints her eyes. “any complaints about the school.”

“nope.”

“dave you have to answer honestly.”

“you never said that.”

she glares at you. shit. maybe you should stop being a prick. deep sigh. “fine. school is okay. ive made friends, freshman john, nepeta, all of them. the school is overwhelmingly liberal, and tries too hard.”

rose nods, like she understands. “how has your mental state been?”

you groan and lean back on your bed dramatically. “well, doc, its been rough,”

“really?” she says. “no, you invasive cunt. since when are you my therapist?”

she rolls her eyes. “i’m just asking questions. its important to see if you’re okay, especially if you’ve just moved to a new place. it can be scary.”

“yeah no kidding, dont worry rose, im not in any danger of throwing myself of the roof.” you hear commotion from the hallway and rose stands up.

“well dave, thank you for participating. see you never!” and she leaves.

alone.

finally.


	4. in which dave meets more homos

the first time you actually meet karkat vantas was during 5th hour lunch. freshman john convinced you to skip your fifth hour and join him at lunch. you’re not sure what made you actually go with it, but your worries about school when you approached the lunch table and heard some one scream “dude what the fuck is that!”

freshman john laughed something furious and explained. “dude its dave! i got him to skip!”

karkat looked at you. you raised an eyebrow at him.  
“take a picture it will last longer.” 

“fuck no dude i just met you.”

yeah so you weren’t expecting him to swear a lot. even you know how to hold in a good Fuck until the right moment. this dude just goes for it.

“whose this douchebag?” some weird girl says, though calling her weird means nothing, since every girl you’ve talked to in the past month has been weird. shes wearing these super thick glasses though and her voice has a weird robotic tone to it, like shes talking with numbers. 

“its dave! ive talked about him a lot, remember?” john explained.

“oh so you’re johns little boycrush? cute. the names pyrope. terezi pyrope.” she holds out her hand. its cover in something sticky, you know its sticky cause you shook her hand and now your hand is sticky.  
she laughs at your disgust. 

“what is this?” you wipe off your hand because ew.

“piss!” she grins.

“its cum shes a liar!” john says.

“its fucking ranch again isnt it.” asks karkat.

“nope! i crushed an apple with my hand!” terezi grins. 

“dope. i love apple juice.” you mutter. you’re not sure if you like the 5th hour lunch kids. freshman john is cool, but everyone else is debatable. rose is there, of course, but shes been awful quiet. good. 

three people begin to approach your table. one is a girl who is obviously a lesbian. you’ve learned how to detect gay people in the past month. she has short hair and is very well dressed. the other two people are hot. like, really hot.

“hey kanaya,” karkat mutters as the obvious lesbian sits down. 

you stare as the two hot people walk away. they must be seniors or something. its some straight couple, the girl has massive tits and isnt exactly hiding it, and the guy is wear this tight muscle shirt. and hes got muscles.

“oooo dave! you see something you like?” john teases as notices your staring.

“hey, im not afraid to admit when i see a hot girl.” 

“thats my sister.” kanaya tells you. you make eye contact with her for a second. shes sitting next to rose.

“ah.” you say. “so i take it you’re the family disappointment?” 

rose glares at you with hidden fury.

kanaya smiles softly. “i suppose. now we have something in common. its nice to mean you.”

john looses his shit at that, karkat laughs pretty hard too. rose is quiet, but proud.

“the dude is eridans brother.” john tells you.

oh fuck.

“the douche brother? whos awful? damn.” you say.

“yeah, thats the one! if being hot gives you a shit personality, im glad im ugly!” john says.

“you say that like i wouldn’t suck you dry right now,” karkat says and you might even blush. thats some foul language.

“bet?? lets go!!” john tempts and he and karkat jokingly start leaving the table. 

then you get made fun of for how uncomfortable you look. 

“hey its not my fault people dont talk like this is texas,” you defend. “also i though you were like, a preachers son!” you say to karkat. “whats up with that?!”

“its high school. kids start rejecting their shitty religious.” he explain.

oh. 

you dont really know how to respond. also maybe you shouldnt have based everything about this kid off of his instagram. or avoided him. if anything you’ve been the stereotypical religious kid, since you didnt even know what a nonbinary was.

damn.

you’ve kind of been stereotyping, and you’re the stereotype. you just assumed everyone at this school sucked, but really its you.

you need a moment.

the conversation goes on without you, and you add a couple comments here and there.

—

your bro tries to talk to you when you get home.

“how was school today.”

“good.”

“do anything interresting?”

“nope.”

“liar.”

you freeze. what did you do? did he find your porn stash? nah, even he’d be chill about porn.

“what’d i do?” you ask.

“you skipped class.”

you actually laugh. “yeah, i didnt want to go. since when do you care about whether or not i go to class.”

“i wanna make sure you’re jot getting bullied, or crying in the bathroom like one of those edgy teens.”

“nah bro, once i went in the bathroom to cry and some kid offered me weed.”

“is that what you were doing? skipping class to smoke?”

you roll your eyes. “no, one of my friends has 5th hour lunch, so i skipped 5th hour to hang out with him. seriously, when did you start caring?”

“well you’ll be a senior next year. we can’t have you skipping important classes.”

“bro you didnt even finish highschool!”

“yeah and look at me! not exactly peak performance!” he exclaims. hm. his new job might be getting to him. he looks worn down, tired. maybe you should go easy on him.

“okay dude, i’ll stop skipping, alright?” and then you leave. bedroom sweet bedroom. 

—

halloween is a terrible holiday, if you’re a new kid.   
sure, you’ve made friends, but now they want you to dress up with them. freshman john wants to do a group costume, and you’re included.

“what if we all dressed up like 1950’s greaser! and greaser girls, of course.” he suggests. 

its a cute idea. this girl name jade says we should all dress up as furries. that idea gets shut down pretty quickly. you’re pretty sure jade is a furry, but at least she doesnt wear cat ears.

she wears a wolf tail though.

you dont really like halloween. its always too cold, and the candy isnt even worth it. you dont like being around people, also. 

“we could dress up as the powerpuff girls!” john exclaims. “but that’d be tricky cause theres only three of them,”

“what about scooby doo characters!” jade says.

“you just want to be a dog, you fuckin furry!” karkat says. they start bickering quietly about it.

“lets all dress up in different colors and we can be a gay flag for halloween.” you say jokingly, but of course everyone takes it seriously.

by the end of the hour no one can decide, (and yes, you skipped 5th hour again to hang out with john and friends) you get to talk to john as you walk with him on the way to your classes.

“man why do we even gotta do a group costume thing? cant we all just dress up how we want?”

“dave you have no spirit for fun! it’d be cute! the cuter everyone is, the more candy we get!”

“thats not even true,”

he shrugs. “its still fun. 

well everyone ends up dressing up differently anyway. john and terezi did the ‘50s greaser idea, except john was the girl, rose dressed up like a wizard (classic) kanaya was obviously a vampire, and karkat was dressed up as something. you think it was an inside joke between him, sollux, and nepeta. what were you dressed as? hell if you know. nepeta really likes drawing fake wounds on people, so you had her put one on your face, and boom. a zombie? sure lets go with that. 

rose an kanaya stayed towards the back of the group, taking their sweet time looking at decorations (you’re starting to suspect that rose might be gay) and john and terezi are so hyped up on candy they run from door to door. 

you’ve never understood the concept of eating all your candy in one night. you honestly feel a little sick when you eat more than a few pieces of chocolate.  
that leaves you, sollux, nepeta, and karkat in the middle group. you keep quiet, try not to freeze, and just keep walking. 

“i mean you only get to be a teenager once!” karkats ranting about something. “so why wouldnt i enjoy everything i do! like i understand the concept of preparing for my future, but at the same time these are the best years of my life! i should be allowed to dye my hair and kiss boys and say fuck!”

“damn straight.” sollux mutters. you doubt hes actually listening.

karkat just keeps talking. damn does this kid ever shut up? 

“karkat,” you interrupt. hes swearing way too loud for a small neighborhood of kids and honestly you have a headache. and you’re tired.

“you’re shoelaces are untied.” you tell him, and its not a lie. his shoelaces have been until for the past few houses and its been driving you nuts. you hate tying shoes. none of your shoes have laces, you rip the laces out and just hope the shoe stays on.

karkat ignores you and doesnt tie his shoes. hnnnnnnnn thats really annoying. they’re gonna get dirty.   
an idea pops into your head.

you walk up behind karkat and start trying to step on his shoelaces, which isnt easy, but its fun and it annoys him.

“dude would you quit it?” he finally burst.

“tie your shoes.”

“why do i have to?? and why do you care?”

you shrug. “its just kinda annoying.”

karkat rolls his eyes. “well you’re kinda annoying, but you dont see me complaining!”

you step on his shoelace and watch as he trips. 

hm.

that was kind of a heavy fall.

he probably sprained his wrist. 

you dont exactly know how to react when other people are in pain. so you just stand there as his friends all worry over him.

so you kind of feel like a jerk.

a huge jerk.

you go home and nobody seems to care.

your bro is asleep on the couch when you get home. his laptop is on his lap still, and his sunglasses are still on.  
you sneak to your bedroom and avoid talking to him until the next day.


	5. in which dave socializes

you’re not actually sure if you broke karkats wrist. the kid wears baggy sweatshirts and also you avoided him for a very long time after that. you continued to sit with sollux and nepeta, but you didnt skip 5th hour after that.

bro probably appreciated that.

john gets sad though, and you made the mistake of giving him a way to contact you.

your messages are constant filled with ‘daaaave!’ and his begging for you to hang out. you tell him you’re not allowed to skip class anymore. he invites you to a party. you ask him what the party’s for. he says he misses his friends and just wanted a little get together. this includes all his friends that go to other schools, and all the friends you havent met yet.

you dont want to go.

you tell john you dont want to go. he begs. he actually grovels on his knees, in person, for you to go. you promise him one hour. you show up ten minutes early, and count it as part of your hour. the only other person there is terezi.

“why are you here so early.” you ask her.

“i could ask you the same thing, strider!”

you stare at her. shes grinning something fierce. you don’t answer her question and she doesn’t answer yours. but you do continue to stick pretty close to her for the whole party.

john runs back and forth, introducing you to people you don’t care to remember.

“why aren’t you talking to more people?” you ask terezi. shes been sitting on the couch for the whole time, and you’ve been sitting next to her the whole time

“once again, i could ask you the same thing,” she says and you sigh loudly.

“im not talking to people cause i dont know anybody and i dont care. now its your turn.”

she shrugs. “partys always give me a headache. its really loud, and hard to tell whose talking, and the dim lights also butcher whats left of my eyes.” sometimes you forget terezi’s legally blind. she can still see, but her glasses are super thick, and reading small words is hard.

“damn thats crazy.” you say, because what else are you supposed to say. you have about five minutes left on your timer, but you could leave right now and john wouldnt even notice. you text your bro to pick you up.

TT: you’ve only been there for an hour

TG: i only planned to stay for an hour

TT: come on. have some fun

TG: bro

TT: i’ll be there in 30 minutes. have to finish up some work.

TG: prick

“oh HELL yeah karkats here!” terezi exclaims.

“why are you so excited about that?” you ask.

“because karkat brings gamzee and gamzee brings pot!”

you are going to assume that gamzee is the name of the stoner kid that offered you weed once. you half expect a whole weed circle to start up, but really terezi just wanted to buy a couple of grams. and also, you’re now alone on the couch.

thats so cool. its so cool that your bro cant pick you up for twenty more minutes. maybe you can find john. he’d make you talk to people though. you start looking up how far away your apartment is from johns home. you technically could walk there. but would it be worth it? someone sits down next to you. its jade.

you and jade talk enough to say ‘hey’ when you pass each other in the hallway, but you’re not exactly pulling out the wedding ring yet. she’s not even talking to you. she just took the open seat and continued talking to someone else. you do the next cool thing, which is going on your phone during the party.

when thirty minutes have gone by you send bro another text. he said he’ll be there soon.

“dave!” john sneaks up behind you. “you decided to stay longer than an hour?!”

“my ride isnt here yet.”

“well good! this is the funnest part of the party!”

“john i have literally been on my phone for the past hour.”

“thats cause you’re not playing any of the games! you missed spin the bottle, and ultimate uno, and root beer pong! cmon!!! socialize with me before you leave?”

you cant say no to that face. also bro is gonna be here in like five minutes. johns face lights up as you agree. he drags you over to a small circle of karkat, rose, kanaya, and eridan. thats so cool. you already hate half the group.

“what’re we talking about? drama? gossip?” john asks.

“we’re talking about how juicy my ass is.” eridan says.

“not much to talk about then,” you mutter. cool. now three people in the group hate you. the memory of you calling kanaya the family disappointment rolls back into your brain folds. hm. at least john doesnt hate you.

“excuse us, please,” rose says and she and kanaya leave. okay. cool.

“yeah imma go find sol n fef before one of them gets pregnant.” eridan leave too.

“i dont like the implications behind that sentence!” john says.

“did you lock your bedroom door?” eridan asks. john smiles awkwardly, but doesnt say anything.

“damn john you’re gonna need to wash your sheets. you know how high school couples are.” you say.

he rolls his eyes. “name one highschool couple you know that actually has sex.”

“sollux and feferi. and now eridan. a threesome. just one big fuckpile.”

john looks slightly nervous. “maybe i should just. go make sure my room is. empty.”

oh fuck.

now you’re alone with karkat. not exactly ideal. why isnt bro here yet. you cant check your phone in front of karkat thats rude. you clear your throat.

“heard it was gonna snow this weekend.”

“thats a creative way to say ‘nice weather we’re having.’”

“thanks i try to be creative.” he rolls his eyes. you quickly check your phone. still no texts. you’re gonna be so mad at bro when you get home.

“freshman john told me you were only gonna stay for an hour. he also told me you arrived at the ass crack of the party.”

“thats a creative way to ask ‘why are you still here?’”

“well? why are you anyway.”

“my rides not here yet. i think hes fucking with me.” you explain. bro always tried to make you more social.

“damn thats rough. cant you drive?”

“doesnt mean i got a car.”

“alright!! im back!” john announces waaaay too loud. “did you two finally make up?”

“what the fuck is that supposed to mean?” karkat asks.

“theres been a weird tension every since dave broke your arm! i was hoping you guys would patch things up.”

“john we’re men.” you say. “we dont talk about our feelings, or resolve problems.” also did you seriously break his arm you feel sick.

karkat glares at john and oh hes about to rant. “john are you fucking kidding me ive talked about this so many times to you how first of all, a sprain is different from an actual broken bone, and second, dont bring it up! it was minor and i dont care! so do yourself a favor and shut the fuck up before i snap your scrawny neck!”

john is laughing, of course, he thinks everything is funny. “dude chill it was just a question!”

“johns got a point though,” you interrupt. hell, if theres any moment to apologize, its now. you hold out your fist for a good and proper fist bunp. “no hard feelings?”

karkat rolls his eyes with a smile. “yeah, sure thing dude. no hard feelings.” and he bumps your fist.

“hell yeah.” you say and check your phone again. still nothing.

“everybody say thank you john! i just solved everybody’s problems!” john you little attention whore.

“john if you solved all my problems i would personally kiss you on the lips.” you tell him.

“watch out strider cause i will take you up on that offer!”

“hope you got enough money for a therapist then, cause im pretty fucked up dude.”

john laughs, but to be honest it wasnt really a joke. whatever. it was funny.

“damn dave and i thought you were straight! yet here you are laying down the smooth beats!”

“listen, everybody wants a piece of this ass. just no men have ever been lucky enough to possess it yet.”

karkat snorts. “dude theres no way you’re straight. you wear sunglasses inside.”

“hey i have a condition! its called cool-as-fuck-disorder.”

“oh fuck is it contagious?” john asks.

“yeah but only through bodily fluids.” you explain. you could straight up be a doctor with these fancy terms.

“dude i think you have aids.” karkat laughs extremely hard at his own joke, what a nerd.

you feel your phone buzz in your pocket. oh thank fuck. “sorry guys i gotta head out. my rides here, dont wanna keep him waiting.”

you quickly peace out into your bros car.

“so how was the party.”

“it sucked. also i dont appriciate that little stunt you pulled, leaving me there for way too long.”

he snorts. “cmon. you need more socialization.”

“yeah? bro whats the point in making friends if im just gonna leave them in a few years.”

“no way dude this is the last time we’re moving.”

“you said that the last three times we moved.”

he shrugs. “this time i mean it. this job is it bro. its the cats meow.”

“really cause you look exhausted all the time.”

“cant we just have a conversation without you fighting me about everything?” he asks you. theres not a trace of anger or sass in his voice. he genuinely upset.

sometimes you wish you werent such a jerk. you cant help it. you just dont know how to say things and make them sound nice. you’re quiet for the rest of the car ride. you also wish you knew how to communicate. then at least you could apologize to people when you said something mean to them.

you’d literally rather let a rabid raccoon tear your active organs from your soft belly and eat them from your still warm body than apologize to someone.

maybe you should practice.

sorry. sorry. sorry.

well now you just sound like a fuckin pussy.

lo siento.

now at least only a couple of people will understand what you’re saying. you wonder if karkat speaks spanish. you know freshman john takes french, but french and spanish have a lot in common. according to google translate, ‘im sorry’ in french is Je suis désolé.

isnt désolé that gorillaz song? damn. you learn something new every day.


	6. in which problems are caused

you dont know where she came from. one day there was just someone new at your 4th hour lunch table. nepeta had invited her, because nepeta always invited the new kids. you dont know if she just moved here, or just transfered schools, or what, but shes at you’re table and shes terrifying.

she speaks with a stolen confidence, and acts incredibly bisexual. you’re not sure if shes a freshman or a senior. 

her name is vriska.

john immediately falls in love with her, as does terezi. they all share a very chaotic energy, all sharing one brain cell. you’re pretty sure john almost dies at one point, but no one will tell you the story. 

karkat doesnt like vriska, and you think its cause john loves her so much. you think karkat might be a little gay for john.

“shes not even that cool!” karkat screams one day. no one is listening but you and sollux. “she just quotes a bunch of stolen tumblr memes and makes fun of people, and suddenly shes the funniest fuckin person at the table!” he goes quiet for a second. “dont tell her i said any of this. you know how she gets when she thinks people hate her.”

you pretend to zip up your lips and throw the key away. sollux doesnt answer. maybe he’s not listening. sollux has also been in a pretty negative mood since vriska showed up, because eridan is straight for vriska. you make a mental list of people in love with vriska. john, terezi, eridan, kanaya, i mean even nepeta likes her, only cause they role play together.

you find rose crying alone in the hallway.

queue big sigh.

you dont want to talk to her. you really, really dont. but shes crying. whatever. girls cry all the time. shes probably just on her period. thats an extremely misogynistic thing to say, you realize. damn. you walk over and sit next to her.

“sup.”

she wipes her eyes and clears her throat. “i thought you werent allowed to talk to me.”

“no, you’re not allowed to talk to me. this is very different.”

“how so?”

“we’re not here to contemplate the logistics of my dumb deal.” you complain.

“then why are we here?”

“cause you're crying and i feel bad, okay?”

she pauses. you glance at her face, and shes smiling? thats weird. 

“not that i care about you or anything,” you quickly explain.

“no of course that would be absurd.” she agrees. 

“soooo, y’wanna talk about it?”

she shrugs. “its nothing. just hormones and teenage issue. ‘there is no remedy for love but to love more’” she sighs dramatically.

“did einstein say that?” you ask.

“i think it was ghandi actually.” she plays along with your dumb joke. 

“so what, you’re in love with some dude and he dont like you?”

she laughs at that. “you couldnt be farther from the truth.”

“oh shit you’re lesbian arent you.”

she nods, smiling. “actually, im american.”

so maybe rose is funny. and maybe shes nice to talk to. its nice to hear about somebody elses problems for once. apparently kanaya is a big fan of vriska, and rose is a big fan of kanaya. you pretend like you know how relationships work, telling her ‘some people fall in love with wrong people sometimes,’ or some shit. she seems to appreciate your advice.

“no your advice was shit, dave.” she later tells you.

“what!” you exclaim. damn! didnt expect that.

“i just appreciated your company. it was nice to feel cared about. ive missed you.”

well take your boots off and suck your toes if that didnt just touch your little heart. 

so maybe one good thing became of vriska’s existence: you reunited with rose. it was probably about time you stopped being a huge fuckin jerk anyway.

kanaya stopped gushing over vriska once vriska started playing with boys and poor kanaya got her heart crushed. you knew things were better when you saw rose and kanaya holding hands in the hallway. 

“somebody book a church! call town hall! these bitches be getting married!!” you tease, because you’re a jerk.

they thought it was funny though.

rose has kind of been your closest friend nowadays. for the past month since vriska showed up she’s taken all of john and terezi’s attention, and you kind of dont have anyone left to hang out with. you’re fine with being alone, you’re grades deserve the attention if anything, but of course you start thinking.

days either feel too long or too short. sometimes just sitting in class for an hour makes you want to run onto the busy road outside school. you think its just the chaos getting to you. its almost time for finals, and you probably shouldnt have been partying with friends all year. (granted you only went to one party and stayed for like an hour)

you skip class. you dont do anything though, just sit on your phone in the bathroom for about thirty minutes. no one offers you weed this time, but something interesting did happen.

a while ago you heard some gossip about eridans older brother, some football jock who was incredibly homophobic and probably racist. you took this information with a grain of salt, cause you were hearing it from eridan, and younger brothers dont exactly talk sweetly about their older brothers.

but today, sitting in a stall, playing 2048 on your phone, you hear suspicious activity at the door. and by suspicious activity, you mean: door opens, someone pokes their head in, door closes for a second, then two pairs of feet sneak into the bathroom and into the stall next to you. 

what

the fuck

they’re making out! theres two GROSS WEIRDOS making out in the boys bathroom!!!

thats not a real thing! you only hear about that in dumb teen movies!!! people dont actually make out in school, do they????

apparently, they do. 

what are you gonna do? walk out?? just say ‘i enjoyed the preview but i dont think i’ll stay for the rest of the show,’ and then leave? 

so you do the next best thing and sit there, listening to every single wet noise as this guy makes out with this girl, and you know its a girl because otherwise the guy wouldnt have to check to see if the bathroom was empty first. and shes wearing heels.

you start texting john about this, and of course he says ‘which bathroom’ and like a fool, you tell him.

about two minutes after you tell john where the make out party is happening you hear the door open and the couple goes quiet. its john, you can tell by his shoes. big dumb yellow shoes.

he goes into the last stall, and then you hear the worst fucking bathroom noises in the world.

john is a prankster, and hes too damn confident for his own good, which means he does shit like this.

he must have like, a youtube 10 hour fart noises link or something, but hes even adding his own noises and is pouring something in the toilet, its very realistic.

if it werent for the fact that its john, you would have been disgusted.

and the couple next to you was.

and thats how you learned it was eridans brother and his big tiddy girlfriend. because they fled that fucking bathroom pretty quickly, and you may have peeked through the stall door. you were curious, alright?

once they leave, the bathroom goes quiet for a second. and then you and john burst out laughing.

“dude that was actually disgusting.”

“you know it wasnt real right?!!”

“i was actually starting to gag a little just thinking about it. you conjured up some awful imagery with the water, egbert. im just picturing a brown waterfall.”

“ew dude stop!!!”

you both are going absolute ape shit now. its just so funny. its one thing to read about it, but to actually do that shit yourself?? comedy. fucking. gold.

you also finally got a chance to talk to john. you feel like its been forever, and you tell him so.

“sorry dude! i guess ive just been a little distracted. vriska and i have been doing some wild shit though! you should join us sometime!”

you decline the offer, because it just feels wrong. is it really that wrong of you just to want to spend some quality bro time with your bro? 

“what, you asking me on a date? strider?” john laughs and holy shit are you?

“dont think i didnt notice dat ass you’ve been hiding egbert,” you keep joking but part of you is still going holy shit are you?

you’re name is dave strider and maybe you’re a little gay for john, but you’re still thinking about it. 

you’ve never once been in love with someone, so how are you supposed to know what it feels like? you’ve also never had any friends, so how are you supposed to know the difference between friendship and pure homosexual lust?

you decide to ignore these feelings. you’re 16. you’re not exactly getting ready to marry, so whats even the point of know your sexuality.


	7. in which a party is thrown

“never have i ever tried to have sex with a teacher to improve my grade!” vriska grins.

“no targeting!” eridan shouts and puts a finger down. 

“wait hold on i want the story here,” you ask, but no one ever elaborates. 

“never have i ever had to wear glasses!” karkat says and the whole table groans.

“dave put your finger down!” says john.

“these are sunglasses. i dont have to wear them.”

“oh? i thought you had a condition!” karkat says.

“take them off or put your finger down bitchboy!” terezi shouts.

“alright alright!” you slide your shades up so they rest on top of your head.

“never have i ever had straight A’s” you say and watch karkat and rose put their fingers down.

“never have i ever moved houses.” rose winks at you as you put your finger down.

you dont remember how you guys started playing never-have-i-ever. it just sort of happened. you think someone mentioned tiktok and it led to this, somehow.

“never have i ever smoked weed.” kanaya says.

you watch as everybody except you, rose, and john put their finger down.

“damn karkat, i never would have suspected you to be a druggie.” 

“shut up strider! im friends with terezi and gamzee, its kinda hard not to!”

“never have i ever had to come out to my family as gay.” terezi says.

“hey!” you point at rose. “you told me you were gay and technically we’re family. put your finger down.”

she rolls her eyes but doesnt argue. you were suprised to see that karkat didnt put his finger down either.

“dude you’re not out to your family?” you ask him.

“fuck no dude! i may be depressed but im not suicidal! that would actually be a death wish. what about you strider? you havent told the old man about your longing for dick yet?”

“i aint gay dude.”

karkat grins. “never have i ever said ‘im not gay’”

“thats targeting!”

“no its not! john has to put down his finger to!” 

well you’re out of fingers. rose ends up winning the game, and you call her a nerdy prude. she shrugs and says ‘it takes one to know one.’

—

bro sits you down when you get home.

“sup?” you ask.

“you’re still skipping class.”

you roll your eyes. “dude. im fine. im just hanging out with my friends. and its not like im missing anything important. my grades a great.”

“skipping class is a bad habit to get into. i dont want you to-“

“bro its fine!” you interrupt. “i just want to hang out with my friends, okay? they’re the one thing that makes me happy, so please dont take this away from me!”

he pauses. 

“why dont you invite them over for your birthday.”

“fuck to the no dude.”

“heres my deal,”

“you’re starting to sound like rose.”

“invite your friends over for your birthday, and as long are your grades are okay, i’ll ignore the class skipping.”

you sigh and rub your eyes. you hate birthdays, especially yours. you dont like telling people when its your birthday, because you dont like the attention and the pity. its awful. you have to tell them what presents you want, and they have to treat you like royalty or whatever.

“i just dont see why you care so much.”

he sighs. “dave im sorry.”

what the fuck. 

he continues. “im sorry, my last job took up so much of my time, and i didnt spend enough time with you. i feel bad, okay. im worried about you. your mental health. i understand that its… weird i guess, for us to talk, but i really do care.”

fuck that shit.

“yeah i’ll invite my friends over. whatever.” and you walk away.

your brother is breaking down. this job must really be getting to him. maybe hes dying of some disease and hes trying to apologize before he dies. or maybe this was some elaborate prank. or maybe he really was tryna just apologize. well im that case you kinda acted like a jerk.

you google ‘how to stop being a jerk’ and believe it or not theres a wikihow.

step one: find ways to express your feelings.

hellllll no.

step two: practice gratitude.

like saying thank you? like a pussy? yeah, how about no.

step three: increase self awareness.

like you arent constantly thinking about every single person’s thoughts and actions and the meaning behind those thoughts and actions. 

you practice trying to say thank you.

its awful. it feels awkward to say ‘thank you’ when bro picks you up from school, or when someone compliments you. 

you’ve also started saying sorry more. actually, you’ve been saying ‘i apologize.” it feels more masculine and laid back. you’re trying, okay? 

“dude when the fuck did you start being nice?” karkat asks you one day.

“wow dude. you cut me deep. you saying ive always been a complete douche?” which you have. 

he rolls his eyes. “ive literally never heard you say ‘thank you’ until like last week, dont think i didnt notice!”

you shrugged. “i was sick of being a jerk. im trying to change, i guess.”

karkat shut up. he stopped talking for a second. thats impressive.

“thats actually,, good. thats very good of you dave.” he finally says. “like, thats a hard thing to do. good luck.”

“hell yeah.” you fist bump him cause you’re awkward and what else are you supposed to do. also does that count as sharing your emotions? karkats super easy to share your feelings with cause like. its karkat. the dude cries over boys and is always complaining about something. for some reason its easier to share emotions with someone who shares their emotions a lot. 

“hey are any of you guys free on friday.” you ask very casual. you have to stay calm and casual about this. your birthday is on thurday, but you were planning to do a small party the day after, cause no one does parties on school nights

“the fourth? isnt that roses birthday?” john asks. 

an idea clicks in your brain. 

“yeah im planning on throwing her a party at my house.” you’re so smart. no one even has to know its your birthday. does rose know your birthday? probably, but who cares. you’re throwing rose a surprise party, and john says he wants to help.

“dude hell yeah! this is gonna be epic shes never gonna be expecting it!

you tell your bro you wanna celebrate your birthday on the 4th with rose, and invite roses family over. so rose will think its a small family get-together, but its really an epic party, and your bro thinks its an epic party for you, but its really for rose.

the day before the party is your birthday, of course. bro gives you a box. its one of those launchpads, not for rockets, idiot. they’re covered in colorful buttons and you code them with noise so they make beautiful music. if you’ve never seen someone use one before, its some straight up Art. they can get up to $800 worth, but this looks like a standard $100 one. yeah, you’ve wanted one of these ever since the anime weeb kid in middle school showed you a video of one. 

you smile. what, its an awesome gift. “thanks bro.”

“no problem dude. its your birthday after all.”

—

on friday john comes home with you to help you set up for the party. karkat was in contact with kanaya, and kanaya was with rose, so we could know the exact moment rose showed up. this was a surprise party after all. 

the first thing john did was introduce himself to your brother.

“hi! im john egbert.” he holds out his hand and oh holy shit.

bro goes in for the hand shake and you watch in shock as john gets him with the hand buzzer.

you swear your bro almost impulsively kills john. your brother has some of the fastest reflexes in the world. once you threw him a raw egg and he caught it so quickly and gently it didnt even crack. so when bro shakes this baby twink’s hand and something BUZZES bro almost dies. of course john looses his shit.

“sorry bro, you just got prank’d” you say, holding back a fat grin.

“...it appears i did.” 

your bro then goes to his office and hides out there until more people show up. 

“dude this apartment is pretty killer!” 

“john its okay you can say it. this place sucks.” which isnt a lie, its just a shitty apartment.

“no way dude this place is baller! you gotta show me your room!”

you shrug. why not.

“dude!!! this is epic!!!!” john freaks out. your room is cool, you suppose. you’ve got a small collections of fossils and bones, cause they’re cool as fuck. your launchpad and computer is in a corner, you were learning how to set it up and it looks pretty impressive with all its cords sticking out of it.

“dude are you a DJ?” john looks at your setup and is smart enough not to mess with any of it.

“well, not professionally. its a hobby i guess.”

“how does this work!! you gotta show me c’mon!!”

“john,” you tap at an invisible watch on your wrist. “we have a party to set up.”

“okay but you have to invite me over again sometime!” 

“john if you keep inviting me on more dates i WILL catch feelings.” thats not a lie. you’re kind of not used to people caring about you, and if john hugs you one more time you might just Nut.

“s’not my fault you’re such a cool dude!!! now stop distracting me dave, we got a party to create!!”

john is kind of a party expert. his dad made a cake too, and it doesnt look half bad. john rants about his hate for cake.

“its so sweet and the frosting always taste like shit and i cant even eat cake half the time cause it was ‘manufactured in a factory with tree nuts’ and it’ll kill me or whatever-“

“dude you’re allergic to nuts?”

“yeah har har thats why im straight.”

“no i just used to be friends with a bunch of peanut allergy kids. i kind of stereotype all nut allergy kids to be cool as fuck because, well, they are.”

“well, nice to know you think im cool as fuck.”

“i didnt say that egbert, dont jump to conclusions.”

karkat is the next person to show up. hes an important part of the set up because hes tracking rose via kanaya.

“holy fuck you guys went to town. damn.” he exclaims when he sees what you did to the place.

john put streamers everywhere, or at least anywhere he could reach. balloons were blown up and strewn vicariously across the room. the cake was currently for viewing pleasure and it read ‘happy birthday’ NOT happy birthday rose, cause bro still thinks this whole party is for you.

slowly more people start to trickle in. john starts playing some music in the background so it isnt too quiet.

“now this is a party,” your bro sneaks up behind you. 

“shit dude dont scare me!” 

“are you gonna introduce me to your friends that apparently are more important than physics?”

“john is mainly the one who wants me to skip, but heres karkat.” you drag karkat by his sweater sleave as he walks by. “karkat meet my brother.”

“why the fuck would i want to meet your brother?!”

you shrug. “hes kinda hot?”

your bro laughs at that and karkat blushes cause you know karkats type, and its tall muscular men that look a little disheveled, and have a sharp jawline.

you of course introduce terezi to bro, only cause you know her hand is going to be sticky. terezi is kind of always sticky, its odd but somehow arousing.

“terezi pyrope!” she holds out her hand and you see bro check it for a buzzer, and then you get to watch his facial expression change as he realizes her hand is cold and wet.

“sorry, i just washed my hands! i try to practice good hygiene!”

you snort. “i bet you couldnt even spell hygiene.”

“h- i- j-“

you stop her after that.

karkat pulls out his phone. “kanaya says rose is approaching the building and we should all start hiding soon.”

john looks over his sholder. “dude why do you have a heart emoji next to kanayas name?”

“because shes my friend and i care about her!! its a green heart, not a red heart egbert get your mind out of the gutter!”

john tries to grab the phone. “what do you have next to my name?”

“a blue heart cause you’re my friend and you like the color blue now get off me fuckass!”

you pull john off karkat. “my favorite color is red. what emoji do you have next to my name?”

karkat looks at you and wow his face is red. “you have a chicken emoji cause you’re a cock.”

“is that why you like me so much?”

karkat ignores you. “everybody hide alright? rose will be here any second!”

you’ve actually never done a surprise party before. you and bro dont hide, obviously, because its supposed to look like you guys live here.

the door opens, rose, roxy, mom lalonde, and kanaya walk in.

“sup.”

“hello dave.”

“SURPRISE!!!” john shouts and everybody following suit. you wish you had recorded it actually cause rose straight up looked like she was going to piss herself. she very much enjoyed the party afterwards, and our creativeness, but she did not like being scared.

john starts showing rose around the apartment, explaining how hard it was to get the streamers all the way up there, and how he got bro with the hand buzzer, and the cake, and then the rant about how much he hates cake, and then john finally crashes on the sofa next to terezi.

“he’s been pretty busy today.” you explain.

“so ive been told.” she answers.

you and rose go to your room, because its way to fucking loud and you want to give her your present wnd she wants to give you her present.

“dont think i didnt forget about your birthday, even though you went through all this trouble to shift the attention to me,” she hands you a carefully wrapped box and you hand her one in return.

“bro wanted me to have a party. he doesnt realize he’s the only one here who knows its my birthday.”

you open the present and its a box of condoms, extra large, which is fitting, because you got her a box of tampons, heavy flow. 

(you put $20 in the box and you’re really kind of hoping she did the same for you)

she smiles. “thank you dave. i’ll be sure to think of you when i use these.”

you shake the condom box slightly. “you’ll be in my mind whenever i roll one on.”

you peek inside the box and damn. she left you a fifty. you would give her more money to make it even, but tampons are expensive. you later would try doing the math, finding the average amount of tampon pricing per box and compare it to the average pricing of condoms per box, and then divide by how many are in each box and figure out which really costs more, but the extra lubricated climax control condoms can be expensive, and you found a $2 box of tampons on google, so you’re just gonna call it even.

also you understand its absurd to compare tampons to condoms, because sex is always a choice, and periods are NOT a choice, and many people have explained to you why its dumb that tampons are taxed as a luxery. 

so the party went great. about a week later rose let it slip that you were a sagittarius and of course terezi needed to know specifically when you were born because of your moon and star sign or whatever she was talking about, and you finally give in and tell them.

“december 3rd.”

“are you fucking kidding me!?” john exclaims. “we missed your birthday?!”

“not really. you guys all came to my house.”

john rolls his eyes. “yeah, for roses party! rose, did you know about this!”

she smiles softly. “but of course john. i know everything.”

“dude we have to get you presents!” john says.

“no, you really dont. theres kind of a reason i didnt tell anyone when my birthday was.” 

john freaks out for the rest of lunch, complaining that you have to have another party, because its your big day and it should be special, but by the next day he’s forgotten all about it. his memory is subpar.

karkat gets you a gift though.

he gets you a large reeses peanut butter cup. you enjoy it very much, and you and karkat laugh at john, because hes allergic to peanut butter and now he has to stay at the other side of the table as you eat.

“i bet you did this on purpose karkat!! this is abuse!” john complains like a baby.

“yeah karkat bet you did this just to spend more time with me. its okay, everyone wants a piece of this ass, dont be shy.”

karkat rolls his eyes but doesnt respond. he’s smiling though so at least you know hes not mad.


	8. in which sexuality is figured out

“rene descartes tried to find the one thing he couldnt doubt about himself,” rose was talking, you’re pretty sure no one was listening. “in the same way you can doubt if you have brown hair, or you can doubt if you are nice, but the one thing he couldnt doubt was the fact that he could think, and thus the phrase, ‘i think, therefore i am,’ or cogito ergo sum, in latin,”

john thinks for a moment. “well, the one thing i doubt about myself is that i cant do math.” hes sitting with his textbook open and you think its geometry. you hate geometry.

rose laughs. “im bad at math, therefore i am!”

karkat joins in. “im gay, therefore i am!”

“i have a seven inch cock, therefore i am,” you say.

karkat raises an eye and glances down before making sexy eye contact. “damn dude, seven inches? thats impressive.”

you lower your voice to a slight growl and lean in closer. “if you keep talking to me like that big boy its gonna be eight inches.”

“Get a room!” john yells, ruining your guys mood. you both separate with crazy laughter.

“seriously dave, when are you going to admit that you’re gay?” rose asks.

you hold up your hands and shrug. “listen, if anything im bisexual, but im still figuring it out. if anyone wants to help me out and suck my dick, im all for it!”

terezi raises your hand. “i’ll take that offer!”

“like you arent always constantly slobbering over vriska!” john teases.

“i could say the same thing to you egbert!” she replies.

you google ‘am i gay?’ later that day. you’re just curious. you find a buzzfeed test. 

pick a color? red, obviously. favorite beyoncé song? eh, you’ve never really listened to her music. do you enjoy sex with memebers of the same sex? well fuck if you know! thats why you’re here! isnt this test supposed to tell you the answer? 

you got ‘a little gay’

“karkat when did you learn you were gay?” you ask him in the one class you have together. 

“i fell in love with john and somebody called me gay and i said oh shit i am.” he replies.

“thats it? someone just told you?”

“i come from a very religious family dave, i just assumed i was really good friends with him, and i have so much internalized homophobia.”

“that why you’re not dating anyone?”

“yeah that and freshman john is fucking straight.”

“you wanna date me to see if im gay or not?”

“no you unromantic fuck!” he shouts. “just go look at some gay porn and see if it makes you hard!”

and you do. not in class, obviously, but you curl up in bed with a box of tissues, some lotion, and your laptop.

——

“fellas and not fellas, i have decided i am in fact, bisexual.” you announce the next day at lunch.

“we been knew!” vriska exclaims.

“im proud of you dave.” rose tells you.

“did the porn help?” karkat asks and you wink at him.

“lets just say, i told my bro i had a bit of a runny nose last night.”

“disgusting!” john adds.

“have you told your bro yet?” rose asks.

“fuuuuck no dude.”

john tilts his head. “why is he homophobic or something?”

you shake your head. “nah, we’re just not that close. y’know how awkward it would be to sit him down and tell him im gay? he’d probably cry and hug me or some shit like that.” you shudder at the thought.

“daddy issues!” terezi shouts.

“that wasnt even a joke!” you say. “you just said two words it wasnt even funny!”

shes laughing though. fuckin prick.

———

john has always been a very touchy person. he is incredibly hands on. he hugs a lot, like to hold people’s hands, sit on peoples laps, share drinks, and all that gay shit.

its never really been an issue, people just think you and john are dating sometimes, but then they see john holding hands with karkat, terezi, jade, and rose, and people start to figure out ‘oh johns just one of those kids.’

you’ve personally never liked being touched. you dont know why. you werent exactly beat as a kid, but you did have a brother that would scare you, and shoot nerf guns at you, like all brothers do, so maybe it has to do with that.

but for some reason john is allowed to touch you. not gonna lie, you almost punched him the first time he hugged you without a warning, but now its just impulse to be touching him in some way (not sexually you weirdos)

people dont understand that john is the only one allowed to touch you. sometimes rose is, and other times karkat, but when nepeta or some shit tries to join in on a hug its like oH FUCK what was that. it scares you and you dont know why. once again, not abused, so its kinda a mystery.

holding hands with john becomes an issue one time.

“hey dave!” roxy waves at you.

“holy shit roxy!?” she started you. you were just walking to class with egbert not expecting to see a family friend.

“sorry to spook you! i was just dropping something off for rose and then i saw you. anyway, have a nice day! stay in school! dont do drugs!”

“you’re not my mom you cant tell me what to do!” you say back at her as she leaves.

“dude who was that?” john asks.

“roses sister. didn’t you see her at roses party?”

“shrug! wasnt looking for a tall cute girl.”

you cringe. “please dont hit on my maybe-cousin. its really weird.”

“shes your cousin??”

“we’re related somehow, i think. maybe we’re just really close family friends. ive never asked.”

john laughs. “dude you’ve really gotta talk to your family more! i swear you’re always like ‘i’d never tell my bro that!’”

“yeah but theres not a reason to tell him things! he just gets mad or weirdly emotional.”

“dave you think all emotions are weird!”

“yeah cause they are! sometimes i forget to eat lunch and then i get really sad and think everyone hates me and then i eat food and everything is back to normal! thats kind of weird, john! sometimes i get really sad at night, with no control over it! its weird!”

“sounds like you’re sad a lot.”

“which is another weird thing!” you say. you stop talking after that, mainly because you both have to go to your seperate classes.

——

bro isnt working when you get home. he’s sitting on the couch with a cup of probably coffee. he looks tired. you try to sneak past him to your room, but alas, no suck luck.

“how was school today?” he asks.

“great.” you reply. “how was work?”

“great.”

“great.” you try to go to your room, but he stops you once again. 

“where are you going?” 

“my room.”

“why dont we sit and chat for a second? i hardly ever get to talk to you.”

oh shit oh fuck. danger. “uh, ive actually got a lot of homework, so,”

“bullshit, you never have homework.”

“well maybe today i do!”

“just sit and talk with me for a second please.”

ugh. fine. you sit down as far away as you can from him. why? cause this is already weird. something is up. he’s gonna try and talk to you about something.

“so roxy was at school earlier today.” he says.

“yeah i saw her. said hi.”

“she said you were holding hands with someone.”

oh SHIT.

“dude thats just john. he likes to hold hands with people, yknow? you met him at the party, hes a very touchy kind of guy.”

bro nods, like he understands. “but you’re not in any sort of relationship with him?”

“no bro!! im not gay!” you say, which is a lie, and you’re not sure why you said it. wouldnt it just be easier to admit it right now? well, actually, you’re bisexual. so this isnt lying at all.

“if you were gay, would you tell me?” your bro asks, and hes trying to make eye contact with you, but you’re just looking at your hands, cracking knuckles over and over again.

“yeah bro, of course.” why would you say that!!! now when you do tell him your gay, you’ll have to admit to lying to him twice!!!! aruggggggg you are the dumbest person on the planet. just tell him that you like thick meaty cock! maybe then it will make you feel a little more masculine.

your bro nods again. “alright. just checking. remember, you can always talk to me if you need to.”

yeah like that’ll ever happen. “yeah of course dude.” and you retreat to your room and almost start texting john.

but john is a confident idiot and would probably walk to your house and tell bro himself.

you text karkat.

TG: dude i just did the dumbest thing wanna hear about it

CG: WHAT NOW YOU FUCKWAD

you proceed to tell him the story about how you told your brother you’re not gay, and told him that if you were gay, you would tell him, all while being gay.

CG: DAMN. BUT YEAH I FEEL THAT

TG: we should make a club called ‘not out to our families yet’ club

CG: HEY MAN AT LEAST YOUR BRO IS COOL ABOUT GAY PEOPLE. I CONSTANTLY HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT HOW ITS A SIN AND SHIT

TG: yeah i know thats why its extra dumb that i didnt tell him

TG: i really do be making my life harder for no reason

CG: I WOULD HUG YOU BUT YOU PROBABLY NEED A THERAPIST MORE THAN A HUG

TG: yeah let me just ask my bro for a therapist oh wait im too afraid to share my emotions to people

CG: DAMN WHAT AM I CHOPPED LIVER?

TG: its different dude you get to have my emotions cause you’re cool like that and i know you’re not gonna be weird about it

TG: like when i say ‘i want to die by having someone ram a twelve inch cock down my throat and bursting my blood vessels’ you just say ‘SAME’

TG: other people would probably start calling the preist at that point 

CG: GENETICALLY I AM A PRIEST BECAUSE MY DAD IS ONE

TG: is that really how it works

CG: NO YOH FUCKING IDIOT YOU JUST GOT TROLLED

and then karkat signs off. what a king. you should really talk to karkat more often. john always tried to solve your problems and shit, but karkat always makes you laugh. maybe by sharing similar experiences hes creating a safe area for you both to talk about your feelings in, and the only reason hes listening to you is because he knows you will have to listen to him in return.

you really need to fuckin stop listening to rose. you already think too much, and now you’ve got this psychology bullshit rolling around in your skull.

it does make you wonder though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> friendly reminder that i did this. i told my mom i wasnt gay, and then said i would tell her if i were gay. every day im still just sitting here like ‘why didnt you tell her!!!’


	9. the great vriska controversy

Vriska has two friends who you’ve never met before. one is a shy boy in a wheelchair who she constantly bullies, and the other is this jock with long hair and a thing for horses.

you only really ever talk to each of them once. you talked to the jock, equius, a few times because he became really close friends with nepeta and also was super into robotics. he kind of reminds you of your brother.

tavros, the wheelchair kid, likes rap music. honestly who doesnt like rap music at this point. you think hes told you about his soundcloud a few times, but its not like you ever looked it up.

tavros wasnt in a wheelchair forever though. he explained once that he had recently had surgery on his legs and was in a wheelchair for part of the recovery, but that he would be getting leg braces soon.

and this is how The Great Vriska Controversy starts. nobody actually calls it that but you, but you needed to call it something.

there are lots of disabled kids at your school. once again, its incredibly liberal and trying really hard to be accepting, even though theres no handicap ramps in the building, just some questionable elevators.

so its not unusual a small portion of the school to be blocked off because a kid is having a seizure or something.

(jade actually told you once in her animal science class one kid kept twitching weirdly and when the teacher asked if he was okay he said ‘no i think im having a seizure. its okay this happens all the time. can i go to the nurse?’ and he left and came back a few days later)

so when one of your favorite staircases was shut down one day, you didnt question it. when vriska wasnt at lunch, you also didnt question it. she kind of just did her own thing.

but when vriska was gone from lunch for a week, and no one had seen tavros either, things were a little suspicious.

“she says she got suspended!?” terezi says suddenly.

“what for?” kanaya leans over to peak at terezi’s phone.

“ask her if she knows what happened to tavros too” karkat says. “oh fuck do you thing she got him in trouble too and they’re both suspended?”

“ive got his number lemme shoot him a text.” you say.

“why do you have his number?” karkat asks.

“he sent me his soundcloud once. i sent him mine.” you shrug. “hes an alright dude. we’re not really friends though.” 

vriska responds first.

“‘i was hanging out with tavros and he was being a little 8itch and got be in trouble,’ she says.” terezi quotes from her phone.

“thats crazy cause i just got a text from tavros himself saying, quote, ‘she pushed me down the stairs,’”

that shuts everybody up. vriska has always been a controversial topic. some people like her, some people dont, and this really splits the groups.

“is he meaning it as a joke?” kanaya asks and looks at your phone.

“i really dont think so.” you take your phone back and ask him if hes okay.

he sends a picture of him in the hospital giving the middle finger. he asks you to send that to vriska if you get the chance. he says shes blocked his number.

“hey terezi can you send this to vriska for me real quick.”

terezi does not find it funny. you’re pretty sure terezi was a little gay for vriska, and finding out your girl crush almost killed a disabled kid kind of is a turn off.

“she blocked me.” terezi sighs and places her phone screen down on the table.

terezi and vriska’s relationship after that was weird. they might have fought about it, physically and verbally, but you never asked. terezi was always normal by lunch, well, as normal as terezi gets. 

tavros was fine. as fine as you can be after being pushed down the stairs while recovering from surgery. 

he still talked to vriska though. he must’ve gotten some xanax or prozac or whatever when he was at the hospital cause he was slowly getting more confident. it actually kind of blew your mind. one day he was some stuttering wreck and the next day he was actually bragging. he beat nepeta in magic the gathering. and was bragging about it. he was challenging vriska.

“bet you couldnt beat me, 8itch!” he said and holy shit did he just swear?? what happened to this sweet innocent boy??

when tavros beat vriska in magic the gathering, you swear she was about to kill him. 

“so whats the deal with tavros?” you ask karkat in one of your classes later. 

“what the fuck is that supposed to mean.”

“hes like, confident and stuff.”

“yeah he got anxiety meds and a therapist i think. did him good too, did you see vriskas face when he beat her? fucking gold dude. wish i could have taken a picture.”

“but hes like, a whole new person!”

karkat snorts. “yeah, drugs do that to a person! you wouldnt have recognized me before i got some serious antidepressants. i was like one of those edgy teens with long hair and shit.”

“what were you depressed for.”

he shrugged. “i was gay, and thought i was a sinner cause of it, i had really high standards for myself and would break down if i couldnt reach those expectations, i was kind of a bitch and i got mad when people didnt like me,”

“damn bro.”

“yeah well, thats what bad parenting gets you.” 

you… think. well, when arent you thinking. specifically, you start thinking about medication. i guess you hadnt really realize that they like, made things better. you kinda assumed pills were like, for crazy people n shit. but half your friends take them and your friends are happy?? bullshit. absolute bullshit. 

“do you think i should get some pills?” you ask karkat, which is dumb. why would he know? he’s not your therapist! you shouldnt be pushing all of your problems onto him anyway.

“fuck yeah dude. i think drugs are always the solution.”

“how-“ you stop. you have to think about how to phrase your question. “how did you like, get your drugs? like you just went to your dad and said ‘hey im fucked’”

karkat laughs at that. “nah, i just kept crying and doing other depressed shit and my dad just took a fucking hint and took me to the doctor and then the doctor said ‘holy shit you’re fucked’ and gave me pills.”

“i wonder if i can get roses mom to take me to the doctor, cause i do not want to talk to my bro about that.”

“no surprise there, you never want to talk to your bro.”

“yeah cause its awkward!”

“didnt you not want to talk to rose because it was awkward? and now you too are best friends?”

he’s got a point. your bro is a lot like rose. maybe if you just tried to talk to him once, things wouldnt be so awkward afterwards.

“karkat i need you to dare me to talk to my bro.”

he laughs, good and loud, with an open mouth and everything. “you’re so fuckin weird! lemme guess, your masculinity wont let you share your emotions!”

“yes bro! i know its weird but it works so shut up!”

“then how come you can share your emotions with me?”

you sigh and rub your face. “i dont know. i think its cause like, i know you wont judge me. i feel like i could say anything to you and would just say ‘okay fuckass’ and nothing would change. talking to you just hits different i guess.”

karkat smiles kind of softly. “thanks dude. its nice to hear that, yknow?”

you smile back. “yeah i gotchu.” and you hold out your fist for a fist bump.

he bumps back.


	10. in which a lot of stuff happens and dave gets stressed

it was a normal day. you were eating lunch during fourth hour with nepeta and sollux. everyone was eating, so no one was talking.

“dave!” john shouts.

“sup john.” you say, trying to stay casual despite being a little freaked out. john is skipping class for some reason, and hes shouting your name across the cafeteria.

“dave!!” he slams his hands down on the table. hes holding a small stack of paper and is struggling for breath. he looks at you and grins. “help me put these around school!” he hands you a paper.

its a picture of the principal, mr. scratch, with the caption ‘nice cock bro, i’d give it a 7/10’

“john what the-“

he hands you another one, which has a different picture of mr. scratch and it reads ‘nice tits sis, a little lopsided tho’

you look and john and he is just grinning. 

“terezi is gonna put some in the girls bathroom for us.”

“...why?”

“because its funny!!!” he laughs and laughs and laughs. 

“aight. lets go.”

you and john put 30 posters around school, 15 nice cocks and 15 nice tits. using your height and determination you put a couple on the roof. they were everywhere, and it was hilarious.

by fifth hour everyone in the school is talking about it. its kind of hard not to talk about it, since theres an image every three feet. people are suspecting its some sort of senior prank. 

“no one suspects some weird junior and sophomore!” john exclaims. “thats why its genius! teachers see me as a determined twink with trying grades, so i’d never be a suspect!”

“except for all the people that watched us walk around school with a stack of papers. and you skipped class to do that.” you remind him.

“we had a sub in that class anyway. besides, this isnt a bad enough prank for the staff to check the cameras! we didnt vandalize or anything!”

karkat sits down at the table. “hey does anyone want to explain to me why the fuck theres a picture of mr. scratch in a urinal covered in piss?”

john looses it. he’s laughing for about thirty minutes after that. “someone pissed on mr. scratch!” he chortles like a madman.

it is pretty funny though, you’ve gotta admit. terezi says the girls didnt find it as funny as most guys did,

“but its totally worth it to walk in the bathroom and hear some sporty chick talking about how nice her tits are!” terezi grins.

“imagine you’re giving a blowjob in the stall and you have to look at ‘nice cock bro’ the whole time.” you say.

“dude you’ve caught people making out in the bathroom before, thats actually a possibility!” john says.

rose approaches the table. “ladies,” she announces. “i have just been informed i have nice tits!” she says, trying not to laugh.

when you moved to some weird liberal school, you honestly never thought you’d end up putting weird pictures on the walls and ceiling. kind of crazy how you just make assumptions about things, and then you end up wrong, and things actually turn out okay. 

but you try not to think about that.

john does end up getting called down to the office though. he doesnt seem to care.

“once terezi got in trouble for sending garfield porn to people using her school email!”

terezi chortles. “want some dave?” 

“well now im curious.” you shouldnt have been, the garfield porn was awful, never look up ‘garfield’ on ao3.

while you guys are all gagging over shitty garfield porn, vriska approaches the table with some babe. like, a hot babe. 

“hey losers this is my girlfriend meenah.” vriska grins and gives meenah a kiss right smack on the lips.

ew.

terezi looks meenah up and down. “nice tits sis! a little lopsided though!” she grins.

meenah doesnt get the joke, but laughs anyway.

you eventually learn that meenah is related to feferi. you cant remember if they’re sisters or cousins or whatever, but you can see the similarities. feferi has a more stocky muscular body, and meenah is taller, but they both have the same crazy hair and similar voices.

and apparently similar taste in men, cause meenah used to date eridans douche brother.

“that was before i knew i was gay tho, so we still tease him sayin he was such a bad bouy-frond that he turned me gay.” she explains one say. she loves to talk, and nobody ever wants to listen.

“she’s just mean and acts like shes perfect and everybody likes her!” you complain to karkat later. “she thinks she has all these privileges just cause shes vriskas ‘girl-frond!’”

karkat shrugs. “i mean, shes not that bad.”

you’re jaw drops. well, not really, but if this had been a cartoon your jaw would have hit the floor. “dude ive never seen you actually like someone! the hell?”

he shrugs again, getting those shoulder workouts in. “ive talked to her a few times, and shes actually kind of cool.” hes avoiding eye contact. ooooooh my fuck.

“karkat. karkat look at me. dude. do you have a crush on her?”

“dude shut the fuck up!” he spits.

“hahahahha dude seriously? i thought you were gay??”

his face is red now. “maybe im a little bisexual get off my dick. im not saying i want to date her or anything, but shes hot and cool. DONT say anything stupid to her! i dont want her to see me as the weird horny junior!”

“hey man, i respect the bro code! but im still gonna tease you about it!”

he rolls his eyes, but you dont think hes mad at you. he gets over his little crush pretty quickly, but you still wiggle your eyebrows at him everytime he talks to her. which isnt that often, cause standardized tests are coming up and karkat is the kind of kid that freaks out over tests. you cant remember the difference between the ACT or the SAT, but you think you’re doing the ACT. 

you never took a practice test, and you’re pretty sure your bro registered you yesterday, but you also dont care. now karkat on the other hand, really cares about his grades. the kid already gets straight A’s, you’d think he would stop worrying after that.

he studies a lot with rose and kanaya, mostly cause the semester changed and now he has 4th hour lunch along with you, kanaya, rose, terezi, and vriska. john was pretty sad about the schedule change, and you told him to skip, but he actually cares about his grades. you’re surrounded by nerds.

its common to walk over to the new lunch table and see it just covered in texts books and papers and notebooks. and vriska making out with meenah. and terezi playing with her food. you join terezi.

sometimes meenah invites her ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend to sit with her, (which is eridans douche brother and you think the girlfriends name is porrim? yeah its the couple you caught making out in the bathroom) which makes things terribly awkward.

“i dunno terezi,” you have to talk to her more now cause everyone else is busy. “everything just feels kind of off the rails, and rushed.”

she places a hand gently on your shoulder. “that, my friend, is called growing up.”

“how do you cope with the constant feeling of loneliness and confusion?” you ask her.

she shrugs. “i try not to think about it. i have some pot for when i overthink. i just try to keep laughing and keep being happy i guess.”

damn. 

“do you think i should get some pot?” 

she snickers. “i think everyone should do pot! it calms me better than any of my anxiety meds could. i could give you a gram or two if you feel like you need some.”

a billion thoughts flash through your head. what would bro think? what would bro do if he caught you? what if the police caught you? what if the police caught terezi? shes not making you pay, so she wouldnt get in trouble for it. is weed even legal in this state? what if you got addicted.

you take a deep breath.

“hell yeah 420 blaze it babe bring me some as soon as you can im sick and tired of thinking.”


	11. in which dave becomes a pot head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so school has started back up for me, thats why chapter have been a little shorter. also i want some weed so bad now but i cant get any cause quarantine

you google how to smoke weed.

terezi gives you one grams, but tells you to only smoke half at a time. she didnt explain how to roll it or anything, so you google all that yourself, which makes you feel a little dumb.

you crack open your window a bit, though its cold as reindeer balls outside. you’ve got your weed and your lighter. you’re nervous. its doing drugs, you should be nervous.

you lit it and take a hit.

yeah. you cough. you’re not used to inhaling smoke. 

to be honest, theres not much to talk about after that. your brain just paused. you think thats the best way to put it. you were worrying about the smell, and worrying about getting caught, and then you just slowly didnt care. 

it was the best feeling ever, despite your uncomfortable lungs and the slight headache. 

you lean your head back against the wall letting the breeze from the cracked open window ruffle the hairs on the very top of your head. 

breathing felt so good. one deep breath, two deep breaths, then a hit. 

you stare at the rolled weed in your hand and start to chuckle. you’re like a typical highschool rebel, doing drugs, skipping class, now you just need to have sex and become a teenage father, and your life will be destroyed. thats like the opposite of getting your life together. you’re breaking your life apart.

whoops, too much thinking, not enough weed. oof. you cough pretty hard at that one. you forgot you were supposed to be secret about this. does bro know? you hope he doesnt know. can he smell it? you hope he cant. what if he catches you and puts you in some kid rehab center away from all your friends? 

you need more weed.

you’re tempted to smoke the other half of the gram. you’re really enjoying the whole Nothing feeling, but at the same time you’re so worried about getting caught. and you have a killer headache.

you hear a knock at your door.

“shit!” you say. it scares you.

“dave?” the knob is jiggled, but you locked the door. its just your bro. “are you good in there? i keep hearing you cough.”

you get rid of the joint. into the trash can. you’ll take care of it later. “yeah dude im fine. jus’ chokin’ on some water.”

“dave this hallway smells like weed.”

“does it? that sucks.” you look at your open window. maybe you should have opened it more. but its so cold out. maybe you should have been blowing the smoke  _ out _ the window. you didnt think this weed would smell that strongly, or travel through air vents.

“dave can you please open the door.” he sounds nervous. is weed really that big of a problem? 

“i really dont want to.”

a cool thing about ur bro is that he can pick the locks. its a simple button lock, but by shoving an object into the little hole on the other side, its very easy to unlock the door. so anyway the door opens, you’re on the floor, weed smoking in the trash can, red eyes, slightly open window.

your bro moves his shades to the top of his head as you put yours on to cover your eyes.

“sup bro.” you say.

“dave, whats wrong.” he asks you in such a worried tone, his voice pitched awkwardly, oddly paternal.

you start crying. 

you’re laughing while you cry, because its so silly. why are you crying? you blame the weed. 

he slowly moves to sit down next to you as you cry-laugh. you just start spitting words. the weed has made you less nervous, and you figure if theres any good time to tell him things, its now. you’re already vulnerable. 

you tell him your gay, well actually bisexual, and you tell him that you want to start medication, and thats why you were doing the weed, and you tell him about how great all your friends are, and how school has lowkey been stressing you out, and you’re worried about your future.

you look him straight in the eye. his eyes look watery and tired from work. hes close to crying. or maybe its the strong smell of weed.

when you’re done talking he gives you a glass of water and sends you to bed. you chose a friday to smoke weed, just incase it fucked you up and you couldnt go to school the next day, which was smart of future you, cause you feel like you could sleep for 24 hours.

you only end up sleeping for twelve, which is still great considering you never sleep. 

you dont want to face bro. the realization just kind of settled in. you told him a lot of shit last night. you havent talked to him about your issues in years. its gonna be awkward. its gonna be so fucking awkward.

“sup bro.” he mutters as you walk into the kitchen.

“hey.” you reply. hes made pancakes. they’re sitting on a plate, covered with another plate to keep them warm. you eat quite a few. pancakes, you’ve decided, arent that good. but they’re alright. 

“you feelin’ okay?” he asks.

you nod through the pancakes. “slight headache, hungry as hell, but otherwise okay.”

bro tries to be very chill about the whole situation, but hes worried. you’d be worried too if you caught bro smoking weed. 

he lets you relax for most of the day, even though its hard for you to relax. you mostly just sit and watch dumb youtube videos, ignoring all your texts. you just dont feel like it. 

bro does end up asking you when you’re available for a doctors appointment, so you can get some pills.

your appointment is in a week. hell yeah. 

he never says anything about you being gay. theres nothing really that needs to be said. you’re pretty sure he accepts you.

at the end of the day you check your messages. terezi’s asking if you overdosed on weed. you tell her you did. johns asking if you’re busy. you tell him yes. 

and of course karkat has sent some insane rant about something dumb. you of course read every single message he sent. shits hilarious. 

he’s ranting about romantic tropes, and how things always feel too rushed in movies and books. its so hard to find a good n proper slow burn nowadays. most slowburns take 15 chapters for the characters to meet, and then 1 chapter for them to fall in love. he explains that a realistic slowburn can take years, people becoming friends, and then slowly getting more comfortable with their emotions and relationship.

you do the proper thing and respond to his rant with ‘k’

he send you an eye rolling emoji. karkats the kind of person that actually uses emotions. you’ve always been a fan of emoticons, like :( :D :0 they’re far more fun, but they are harder to express yourself with.

but nothing will ever compete with 8==D~~


	12. mostly just talking

a lot of shit happens, so buckle up kids. 

you get pills. you go to the doctor with your bro and basically you sit and cry in front of the doctor. you were so afraid of admitting that you werent okay, emotionally, that you just broke down. you got some weird anxiety pills, you cant even remember the name of them. 

the adjustment period of the pills was hell. you felt like crying a lot, and you were so stupidly confident. you dont think anyone really noticed though. you would just do weird shit like talk to random kids and sit on your desk in class. you also hated yourself and couldnt focus, but most of that passed in a few weeks.

its so fucking weird. to be able to do things without being so scared. you can get up and sharpen your pencil. you show up late to class with an iced coffee. you sneeze and cough without worrying if you’re annoying someone. 

“like, i can ask the teacher if i can use the bathroom. i havent done that in years. i legit pissed myself in kindergarten cause i was too afraid to ask the teacher if i could go.” you explain to karkat.

“yeah dude pills are the shit. in seventh grade when i got my drugs i got a B+ on an assignment and didnt feel like killing myself, and it was the weirdest shit ever.”

“im going to have too much power karkat. theres nothing holding me down. God gave me anxiety and sleep issues because if i wasnt so tired and scared i could Kill God. karkat i have become godtier.”

he snorts. “you’re starting to sound like vriska! you gonna start saying slurs now too?” 

“yeah let me just find a disabled kid to cripple one sec. watch out 8a8e!” you say it in vriska’s voice, mocking her. she would lose her shit if she heard you right now.

“yeah let me just kiss my girlfriend and then emotionally manipulate my friends!” karkat tries to say that without laughing, but fails. karkat doesnt laugh very often, but when he does, he doesnt stop very easily. 

“dude hearing you say ‘let me kiss my girlfriend’ is the most out of place sentence.”

“like when i tell my dad i cant wait to have 2.5 kids with my beautiful wife at the age of 23.”

“holy hell are you serious.”

he chuckles. “i have to do what i have to do to prove im not gay!”

“so what happens when you move out and come to thanksgiving with a tall dark and handsome man.”

he shrugs. “the second im old enough im disowning my family. also im pretty sure i wont live past 20, due to self destructive behaviors.”

“damn dude im gonna have to follow you around then and keep you in shape.”

“are you implying that in the future we’re going to live together?”

you snort. “maybe just live near each other. like neighbors. where are you planning on going to college?”

“hell if i know. my dad wants me to go to some private christian college, and he’s offering to pay, so i’ll probably end up there.”

“well shit then invite me to you’re funeral cause i aint going to some weird christian college.”

“wow thanks a lot. where are you gonna go?”

“im gonna be homeless.” you say, and karkat instantly snorts. you continue. “all i want is a car, moderate size, a little beat up, and i’ll go around and draw shitty pictures and sell them from the back of my car. maybe i’ll become a street DJ, throw some back-alley raves from the back of my car.”

karkat smiles. “that does sound like quite the dream. not very sustainable, but fun.”

you shrug and smile back. “maybe i’ll become a whore.”

he looks you up and down. “i mean, i’d tap dat ass.”

“dude everyone wants a piece of this ass!”

“yeah? is that why you’re a single virgin who's never had a boyfriend or girlfriend?”

“hey! how many people have you dated, its not like you’re exactly rolling in ass either!”

“i dated terezi in middle school, sollux and i were almost a couple, i was johns straight awakening,”

“damn dude you get around.” you raise an eyebrow.

he rolls his eyes. “they were all disaster relationships, because i hate myself and im incapable of love.”

“thats a broad assumption you’re like 16 and have dated two people.”

“sometimes you just know. just the feeling of ‘no one will ever love me’ and ive accepted my fate.”

“you dont need to be loved to be happy yknow.” you remind him, although you’re pretty sure rose said that to you.

“yeah i also dont need to wipe my ass but it still feels pretty damn good.”

you snort and hold up your pencil. “lets toast to being lonely and unlovable.”

he rolls his eyes but you can see the corner of his lip turn up in a slight smile. “fuck, thats morbid.” he pulls out his pencil.

“a toast, to karkat vantas and dave strider. maybe we always be lonely and sad, and never experience love and die virgins.” you say, and click your pencils together.

“amen.” karkat says sarcastically and takes a swig from his imaginary drink. 

“hell yes. hell fucking yes.” and you drink your imaginary drink with a smile.

“i dunno dave i think you could get a boyfriend or whatever if you wanted to.” karkat says.

“and have to deal with another person? no way dude. if i fall in love with someone, thats fine. they caught me slipping. but i aint the kinda person to actively search for love, yknow?”

he nods. “well thats better than thinking you’re not worth anything if no one loves you.”

“damn dude is that what you used to think?”

he shrugs. “something like that. i’ve obviously grown up since then.”

“i think i was just born all grown up and i havent had any character development since then.”

“you talked to your brother about your emotions.” karkat points out.

“yeah cause i was high.”

“you started being nicer. thats development.”

oh yeah. you did try being nicer. “did that actually work?” you ask him.

“i dunno. i thought it was nice to get a thank you every now and then. you also learned a whole lot about the lgbt community, and even figured out your own sexuality, and told your brother. you’ve had more development in this year than ive ever had.”

“probably cause ive been hanging out with people like you, and rose. being around good people kinda makes you want to be a better person. yall have been a good influence on me.”

“dont tell anyone else this, it’ll go to their heads.”

you laugh. “ugh yeah i can already hear rose’s bragging.”

“terezi would use that during every argument.” karkat says. “‘um dave said im a good influence so fuck off!’” he says in terezi’s robotic, numbery voice.

“im just imagining her saying that to the principal.” you chuckle.

“she totally would though!” 

“maybe terezi’s not a very good influence.”

“she gave you weed of course not.”

“hey that weed helped me get my life together!”

he rolls his eyes. “you should write a book called ‘weed helped me get my life together and other short stories.’”

“oh yeah wouldnt that look good on a resumé.”

“you wouldnt need a job you’d be rich from the book!”

you snort. “yeah i’ll start writing it the second i get home.”

“send it to me when you’re done, i’ll proof read it for you.”

“nah, i’d rather have rose proof read it.”

“you mother fucker.” 

you pull down your shades and give him a wink. 

the bell rings, you pack up your things, and start walking to your next class with a smile.


	13. in which several things happen

you have to stay the night at roses because bro has to leave town for a night and he doesnt trust you.

“its not like im gonna throw a party and do hard drugs!” you complain.

“no but you could smoke pot again, or invite some girl over and become a teen father.” he says. “the responsible adult thing to do is to not let you stay home alone.”

he drops you off at roses house sometime in the evening. roxy greets you at the door.

“hey davey! got all ur things?” 

“i sure fuckin hope so.”

she giggles and lets you in.

its weird being in a family. mom lalonde is in the kitchen and she greets you with a hug (you get a face full of saggy milf titties and its not half bad) shes made a fine dinner and you all sit down and eat together.

she made some fancy pasta with this pink sauce and its alright you guys. rose tells you its called penne alla vodka. classic. of course mom lalonde would make something with vodka in the name.

“so, dave, how has school been?” mom lalonde asks.

you shrug. “good.” is the classic answer.

“made any cool friends since movin here?”

“nah.” 

rose rolls her eyes. shes sitting directly across from you. “what about john and karkat?”

“oh! you’re friends with john?” mom lalonde exclaims. “his father and i go way back!”

“what about karkat? Ive never heard that name before!” roxy asks.

“just a friend. we have a few classes together.”

“oh dont say you’re ‘just friends’” rose says slyly.

“what?” you’re genuinely confused.

her eyebrows go up in shock. “oh. sorry. i had made an assumption. nevermind.”

“nonono, please elaborate lalonde.” what the fuck? what the fuCk???

“i had merely assumed that your relationship with karkat had grown slightly stronger over the months is all.”

she tries to keep talking, change the subject, but you’re still stuck.

“wait did you think karkat and i were dating?!” you interrupt.

rose calmly puts her fork down. “no, i just thought that perhaps you had a crush on him, or vise versa, but apparently thats not the case, and i apologize for making that assumption.”

“cant two boys just be friends without people thinking they’re in love!”

“yes, like you’re relationship with john, and sollux, and eridan, and your brother. you’re getting defensive dave.”

“well i- uh,” you’re running out of things to say. everyones looking at you and you’re acting dumb. “yeah sorry.” you stuff your mouth full of pink pasta so you dont have to talk.

roxy starts talking about college or something, shes doing biology or some science shit. she sounds very successful and you feel somewhat proud of her. 

“do you have any college plans yet dave?” mom lalonde asks.

“yeah im gonna be homeless. live in a car. i’ll DJ and fuck around for money.”

roxy nearly snorts her food out of her mouth.

mom lalonde nods. “you definitely take after your brother.”

“bro was a whore?!” you exclaim jokingly. “well, ‘bro the ho’ has a nice ring to it i guess.”

roxy laughs, open mouth, diaphragm laugh. “finally! someone funny in this family! everyone here is SO. BORING!”

“woah, listen rox,” you say. “you cant go around giving me positive attention, it’ll go to my head very quickly.”

she grins. “sorry! but honestly its a bore listening to these ladies use big words n shit!”

“big words aint for the big dicked, i always say,” 

“well aint that the truth!” roxy slaps the table and winks.

you and roxy end up talking for most of the dinner. of course mom lalonde and rose join in when necessary, but roxy starts all sorts of conversation and makes you feel very comfortable in the environment. she has a very motherly aura, and you kind of just want to snuggle up close to her and tell her about your feelings.

but you’re not going to do that. obviously.

“Vodka Mutini we already fed you, fat bitch,” rose says softly to the kitten under your feet.

“wow. what a mother you’ll be.”

she picks up the kitchen, who is a fat bitch. “he understands, besides, words only have the meaning you give them, so fat bitch could be an endearing term, if i use it as such.”

“yeah i cant wait for your child to go to school and call her best friend a fat bitch.”

“my hypothetical child would never! fat bitch is a term used for only the closest of family, not some playground friend.”

you roll your eyes. theres really no winning this one. “so am i a fat bitch?”

she nods. “as am i.”

you snort. “i dare you to call your mom a fat bitch.”

she smirks. “oh ive said worse to her. mother!” she calls.

“huh?” mom lalonde calls back.

“you’re a fat fuckin bitch!” rose shouts and starts running to her room. you run after her, not wanting to be the victim to mom lalonde.

you sprint to rose room and she slams the door when you’re both safe. you’re both laughing too hard.

“rose, is there anything you fear?”

“i fear pretty girls and old male gym teachers.”

“understandable.”

the lalondes have a guest bed that you get the honor of sleeping on. the mattress is bigger and softer than anything you’ve ever felt, and this is the guest bed.

you spend most of the night stretching out on the massive bed (you’ve had a twin size most of your life) and rubbing your legs on the smooth blankets. 

—————

karkat has a brother. this isnt new information, karkats complained about his brother before, but today you finally met him.

you can see the similarities. the brother has combed hair, and a nice clean sweater with pressed pants. karkat looks homeless compared to him.

“kankri what are you doing here!” karkat hissed. you guys were just at your lunch table, and kankri has never tried to sit here before.

“no need to be so rude! is it really a crime if i want to sit with my brother and his friends at lunch?”

“no but its fuckin weird.”

kankri cringed at the swear word, but didnt say anything. “porrim has other plans for lunch and i have no one else to sit with.” he admits.

“arent you all about making friends and shit? go talk to the weird kids over there and make some friends!”

“dude,” you interrupt. “just let him sit. he’ll probably last thirty minutes.” your table can get pretty chaotic, and if this kid cant even handle a swear word, hows he gonna handle your cum gargling jokes.

karkat gives you wide eyes, but agrees. kankri sits politely with his salad and apple and quietly starts eating. 

rose starts talking. “so i was talking to someone online the other day, their name was Taint Snorkeler, and they had a really important question-“

“sorry to interrupt rose but did you just say taint snorkeler?” thats kind of the best name you’ve ever heard.

she grins, but its more of a dainty grin. “yes, they were friends with Mike Who Cheese Hairy.”

“yeah and Cum Guzzler.” you glance at kankri, but he seems to be ignoring you.

“anyway, Taint Snorkeler asked ‘why do men smell their balls?’ and i was wondering what answers you had, as men.”

“curiosity.” you and karkat say almost at the same time.

“and it smells kinda good.” you add.

karkat gives you a gross face. “no it doesnt!”

you shrug. “one mans trash is another mans treasure. hand over your smegma.” 

“i wouldnt just give it to you, dick cheese is expensive these days!”

“hey wait rose do girls smell their coochies?” 

“i would like to smell other girls coochies.” she winks at kanaya.

“i would gargle some mans balls behind a 7/11 for a can of Monster.” you say.

“i would do it for free fuckass!” karkat says

“buy me a can of Monster and it could happen!”

“thats not what ‘free’ means dipshit!”

“wait karkat are you… uh,” kankri interrupts. “yknow… uh,”

“gay?!” you say loudly? 

karkat rolls his eyes. “no kankri, im straight, i just want to gargle dave’s balls.” he says it with so much sarcasm, but kankri just cant believe it.

“oh. i think i see porrim, so i am going to leave to go hang out with her. its been… enjoyable sitting here. goodbye.” he gets up and leaves awkwardly.

everyone at the table bursts out laughing the second hes gone. 

“i just came out to my brother by telling him i would gargle my friends balls!” karkat snorts and hollers. “i have to text sollux about this holy shit!”

“his face was priceless!” rose chuckles.

“ive never seen anyone look more uncomfortable.” kanaya says.

“do you think hes over there asking kanaya what ‘smegma’ is?” you ask.

“i hope he googles it.” karkat snorts.

“thats how my porn addiction started. you google ‘cum’ and three clicks later you’re watching some girl getting creampied on pornhub.”

“thats vulgar, dave.” rose said good humoredly.

“hey, thats just how it is on this bitch of an earth.”

thats just how it is.


	14. in which dave has a late night phone call

“do you ever- ugh how do i phrase this,” its 11:00 at night and you’re calling karkat. you had to talk to someone. and he was the only one up. “do you ever just feel like you’re a disaster? for no reason? like, do you ever feel like you’re a monster, and a mess, and just a fat disaster, and you can’t figure out why, and it makes you feel crazy? ugh im going insane!” you complain. all you do is complain about your feelings and everyone probably hates you for it.

karkat snorts awkwardly. “you called me at 11:00 at night because you’re sad?” he whispers.

“its more than just sadness,” you rub your eyes. “i just- i cant focus and i cant sleep and i feel like im dying.”

“well, are you happy?”

“no.”

“then you’re sad. go watch funny cat videos or something, you’ll feel better.”

“you’re the only cat i need. just give me the pity points and talk to me for a bit. i just need to stop thinking about how awful i am.”

he sighs dramatically. “dude, its late. my family’s gonna hear me talking and im gonna get in trouble.”

“just dont shout.”

“dude. you just told me, karkat vantas, not to shout.” hes trying to whisper.

“oh shit my bad, sorry i forgot it was impossible for you to shut the fuck up.” you say.

“you literally called me at 11, i would exactly say im the one that cant shut up.”

“well at least i can whisper. and i have a chill bro who doesnt care if im talking late at night.”

“you could go to the kitchen and eat shredded cheese straight out of the bag.”

“dude what the fuck!” you chuckle. “thats disgusting.”

“its called a depression meal strider!”

“i usually just grab a handful of cheerios.”

“just plain cheerios?”

“they’re so good karkat. i fuckin love cheerios.”

“nah dude, shredded cheese is the way to go. just a handful, and víola, perfect snack.”

“i dont even know if we have shredded cheese. i think thats another rich person thing. like playing an instrument. or having a dog.” you start to get up. you gotta check for cheese.

“those just sounds like middle class things.”

you shrug, even though he cant see you. “if i dont have it, its a rich person thing.”

“are ‘good manners’ and a ‘sense of humor’ rich people things?”

“damn karkat. you cut me deep bro. those are strong words for someone who laughs at my jokes quite a lot.”

“they’re probably all stolen from reddit, or tumblr or whatever.”

“im honestly hurt by the fact you assumed i would use reddit or tumblr. also we dont have any shredded cheese sorry bro.” you grab the box of cheerios.

“first of all, i know you have a tumblr, its filled with shitty art, second of all, make your brother buy some fucking shredded cheese!”

you walk into the other room. “hey bro.”

he’s on his laptop. “wha?”

“buy some fucking shredded cheese!” you walk away with karkat chortling in your ear and your bro extremely confused.

“he’s gonna be so confused holy shit!” karkats trying hard to stifle his laughter.

“im gonna come home tomorrow and theres gonna be like eight different kinds of shredded cheese in the fridge. and it will go bad since no one eats shredded cheese.”

“you could always give it to me!”

“the mental image of you just shoveling shredded cheese into your mouth is hilarious.” you grin. “you fat bitch.”

“i’ll be sure to send a picture when i do so.”

“finally some good material to jack off to.”

he barely covers his snort in time. “you’re gonna make me wake up this whole house strider!”

“well i’ll mail you shredded cheese to keep you entertained while you’re grounded.”

“finally some good material to jack off to.”

you smirk. “thought you didnt find my jokes funny!”

“they’re not, im mocking you.”

“they say imitation is a form of flattery.” you crunch loudly on your cheerios into the microphone.

“hey do you mind shutting the fuck up??” you can hear the smile in his voice.

“technically you should be the one ‘shutting the fuck up’ since you’re gonna wake your whole house.”

“so its just gonna be both of us sitting quietly over the phone? sounds like a blast.”

“we’d probably both fall asleep with our phone call still going, and at 6 am you’d hear my brother shouting if i want eggs.”

“that would scare the hell out of me. all joking aside i really do have to go now, i can hear noise coming from my dads room.”

“aight dude, goodnight, sleep tight.”

he snorts. “now are we gonna fight about who hangs up first?”

“no you hang up first!” you say in the stereotypical in-love voice.

he hangs up and you snort. karkat is such a romantic, that he probably would be the kind of kid who would do that kind of shit.

you go back into the kitchen to return the box of cheerios.

“who’re you talkin to? that your girlfriend?” bro asks.

“nah dude it was karkat. you’ve met him, right?”

“yeah you told him i was hot.” 

you chuckle. “what can i say, you’re his type.”

he pauses. thinking. you hate when your bro thinks. hes too fucking smart.

“so, uh, you and karkat,” he pauses.

“kakart and i.” you say. you dont think its correct.

bro clears his throat. “are you and karkart… together?”

you turn to look him straight in the eye. “you think karkat and i are dating?!” you exclaim.

“well not anymore.” he mutters.

“why does everyone think we’re dating! rose thought we were dating too!”

“well dave you called him at midnight to say goodnight.”

“no i just called him cause i was bored!”

he raised an eyebrow. “im just sayin’ if people keep thinking you’re together, theres usually a reason.”

“this is toxic masculinity! two men can be friends and not be in love!”

“yeah thats what i told dad before i limped to my bedroom after ‘staying the night with a friend’”

you may have blushed. thats a vulgar thing to think about. “this conversation is over.”

he chuckles as you walk away. wait is bro gay?

“wait bro are you gay?” you ask before you turn the corner.

he looks taken back. “i was little bi-curious in highschool.”

“and you were a bottom?” 

he makes an offended face. “my own brother! bottom shaming me! for your information, we were both okay with topping, but he had more experience.”

you cover your ears. “i cant hear you! i cant hear your sinful language!” you retreat back to the safety of your room. 

well now you wanna talk to karkat again. you wanna tell him that your bro was gay, well ‘bi-curious’ as he put it, and also now a grand total of two people think you’re dating.

but it looks like he’s inactive, and you’re starting to feel pretty tired.

and thus you go the fuck to sleep.


	15. in which dave discovers love but doesnt know the word for it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yall should watch Napoleon Dynamite

John is wearing a shirt with words on it, which isnt uncommon. the shirt reads ‘tina you fat lard’ and it has a picture of a llama on it. 

“john what the fuck does your shirt mean.” you have been staring at it for 5 minutes. is it a reference? thats a pretty obscure reference.

john laughs. “tina you fat lard come get your supper!” he quotes. “dave dont tell me you’ve never seen Napoleon Dynamite?”

uh. “that a movie? i dont watch movies thats a rich person thing.”

karkat snorts at that.

“dave how have you never seen Napoleon Dynamite! havent you lived in idaho?” 

“is it an idaho movie?”

“its based off a small town in idaho! its the dumbest movie ever you’ve gotta watch it!”

“‘s it on netflix?”

karkat snorts. “you’re too poor to watch movies but you have netflix?”

“no but rose has netflix.” you reply.

“dude lets have a movie night!” you can practically see the stars in his eyes. “karkat! rose! kanaya! are you guys busy tonight!” 

“tonight?!” karkat exclaims. “im so fucking tired egbert i nearly fell asleep in english! its a friday let me go home and depression sleep my weekend away!”

“you can sleep during the movie! cmon pleeeeeeeease!!! rose? kanaya?”

“im free.” rose says. 

“as am i,” kanaya mutters.

“hell yeah! i’ll ask jade later. everyone ask everyone! it been so long since we’ve all hung out!”

“john when you plan something last minute its rare many people will show up.” rose explains.

john rolls his eyes. “we’re all a bunch of nerds! no one ever has any plans! 

“john im sooooo fuckin tired! i will pass out on your couch of you make me watch some boring ass movie!” 

“fine! sleep on my couch! cmon its been so long since we’ve all hung out!”

karkat rolls his eyes. “if my dad says no im not gonna argue with him.”

not a lot of people end up going. rose, kanaya, terezi, sollux, karkat, and you, of course, show up at johns house after school.

karkat shows up in sweatpants that look rattier than his normal sweatpants, and he even brings a blanket. “im gonna take such a fat fucking nap egbert and if you even try to wake me up i’ll bite your fingers off.”

“aa’s bird once did that to me,” sollux mutters. “he severed a nerve and now i cant feel anything in my little finger.”

johns eyes go wide. “aradia has a bird?! what kind!?”

“whos aradia.” you ask.

“she has an african grey parrot. aradias an old friend of mine. she goes to a different school.”

“you should have invited her to the movie night!” john frowns.

“she cant exactly leave. shes in a mental institute.” sollux mutters.

“oh shit sorry. forgot. anyway lets get this movie started!”

theres not a whole lot of room on the couch, so rose, kanaya, and terezi sit on the floor with some blankets and pillows. you sit smashed between john and karkat, with sollux on the other side of karkat.

“sollux you are now my pillow, and dave, you get the honor of being my footrest.” karkat squeezes and shoves so he can get comfortable.

“damn, my first threesome.”

john nudges you. “dude! my dads in the other room! dont say anything weird!”

rose chuckles. “hey terezi pass the weed!” she says loudly. 

terezi winks. “i actually have some if you want it!”

“rose!” kanaya exclaims. “i dont want you high for our orgy!”

john covers his face. “the second you guys leave my dada gonna sit me down and ask me so many questions. he’s probably gonna give me condoms and a pat on the back telling me to ‘play it safe’”

you shrug. “its hard to smoke weed when you’re coming off a tab of acid.” you say the exact moment johns dad walks in. he’s carrying a cake and has a concerned expression on his face.

“dad they’re joking!! they’re all joking! thanks for the cake!” john quickly reassures him.

rose smiles sweetly, that bitch. “yes, we apologize mr.egbert twas all a joke.” she winks at terezi.

mr. egbert leaves the room muttering something like ‘...dont trust that lalonde girl… too much like her mother…’ 

the movie is alright. its not action-packed, or has a discernible plot, but its got its funny moments.

“this is exactly what its like to live in idaho.” you mutter, cause it is. idaho is filled with too many nice people, and too many creeps, and everyone looks the same.

karkat isnt asleep, despite the whole scene he made about being tired. hes all curled up on sollux’s lap, and sollux and lightly petting his hair. you think they dated before, but you can’t quite remember. 

and then sollux stands up. this is important.

“i gotta piss egbert wheres your shitter.” he asks.

“down the hall, you cant miss it.” 

and then something happens. sollux is no longer on the couch. karkat sits up. “well dave, you’ve upgraded to pillow. congratulations.”

he leans on your shoulder and kicks and shoves, getting comfortable. 

you dont like being touched most of the time. you arent touched a lot of the time. once some kid you just met tried to give you a pat on the back and you jumped and almost slapped him. you’ve probably got some childhood trauma that involves a crazy brother and and even crazier father. you’re okay with john touching you, but to be fair not a whole lot of people have tried to touch you other than john.

now karkat, is a different story. he’s not the most touchy guy, but you’ve given him high fives, and fist bumps, and you’ve even gotten stuck in some group hugs next to him.

but when he leans on your shoulder, its different. he’s completely relaxed, and theres an aura of trust. the thought that someone trusts you is already overwhelming. people shouldnt trust you, you’re awful and unstable. but karkat trusts you. look. he’s practically on top of you. he’s not even being awkward about it.

sollux comes back. wait fuck are you going to be demoted to feet again. shit no you dont want to be feet you like this feeling. this feeling of trust, and friendship, and something else you cant quiet name. 

“sollux you got demoted to feet. thats what you get for leaving.”

“i had to pee! what, did you want me to piss myself? bet you would you filthy little whore.” he says all while accepting his position as Feet.

karkat snorts, and you can feel it through your whole body. maybe theres a reason people like physical contact. is this why john is always hugging people? it feels fucking incredible. you’re warm, and a little uncomfortable, but at the same time you’ve never felt more comfortable.

but you hate it when other people touch you. you start to compile a mental list of people you are okay with touching: john, karkat, sometimes rose, sometimes bro, and roxy. half those people are family though. so what makes john and karkat special? 

something funny happens onscreen but you were too busy thinking and missed it. everyone laughs, and the vibrations shake your body. you smile. theres something about being surrounded by friends that changes everything.

friends. yes, these people are your friends. you’d never thought you’d actually make friends.

damn.


	16. more late night talks but dont worry im setting something up this kind of stuff takes time

you hate breaks. like breaks from school. like winter break. most kids will cheer and pump their fists at the thought of two weeks away from school, well, a week and a half really.

sitting in a room for too long is upsetting. you get headaches, never sleep, and ruin your life. the usual.

school gives you a schedule, something to anchor to. wake up, eat, go to school, come home, do homework, eat, sleep. its boring, but it keeps you alive.

and thats what you’re thinking right now, laying sideways on your bed, lights still on, and a little hungry. its either really late at night or really early in the morning. you didnt feel tired, so you started playing a vidoe game, and then you mixed some music, and then you sat on your phone, and then it was 2 am.

damn. 

your phone says terezi is active. you shoot her a text, something ironic like ‘you up?’ 

GC: technically, i am down

GC: upside down

GC: i am upside down

GC: h3h3h3h3!

TG: are you high

GC: sooooo fucking high

GC: high on life lol gottem

GC: if by life you mean weed

GC: h3h3h3h3h3h3h3h3!

TG: never change terezi

you decide to quit texting her after that. you gotta respect the high time. sometimes you just gotta be high. terezi doesnt text back, so you dont think she misses you.

kanaya is active, which is fuckin nuts. you’d never think kanaya would be the kind of lady to stay up this late

TG: what are you doing up so late maam

GA: Fucking Your Cousin

TG: damn

TG: should i leave you to it then

GA: No Keep Texting The Vibration Is Nice

GA: I Am Elbow Deep In Pussy Dave

TG: im too gay for this shit.

TG: miss me with dat lesbian shit

GA: Youre From The South Youve Probably Watched Lesbian Porn At Least Once

TG: yeah its a requirement 

TG: they show it to you at school

TG: gotta start em young yknow

GA: Of Course

GA: In The Liberal North We Show Our Kids Lesbian Porn So They Become Gay And Think Sex Before Marriage Is Okay

TG: your words disgust me maryam

TG: say it aint true

GA: we also teach our kids about other religions and that its okay to coexist

TG: wait why did your typing change

TG: what the fuck is that rose

TG: are you guys actually fucking i thought that was a joke

GA: no dave, we arent fucking. just sharing close proximities together. 

TG: well now youve ruined it rose. now its just gross. kanaya could actually be elbow deep in pussy. 

GA: bold of you to assume she isnt

TG:

you stop responding after that. mostly cause its funny as fuck, but also you were running out of things to say. you’re so bored, but not tired enough to go to sleep, and not motivated enough to actually do anything.

your phone says karkat is active. hell yes. hell fucking yes. you and karkat can talk for hours. its funny to think you avoided him for the beginning of the school year

TG: u up?

TG: what are you wearing

CG: KHAKIS

TG: hot

CG: YEAH IM FUCKING SWEATING 

TG: take them off then

CG: WELL THATS JUST PORNOGRAPHIC DAVE

TG: everything i do is pornographic dude. thats my middle name. david porn strider

CG: CONSIDERING YOUR FAMILY, I WOULDNT BE SURPRISED IF YOUR MIDDLE NAME IS PORN

TG: my middle name is actually danger

CG: I CANT TELL IF YOU’RE JOKING OR NOT

TG: damn dude you really think my families that screwed up? i bet your middle name is like michael or some shit

CG: MY MIDDLE NAME IS HISTRELIN

TG: ahahhahah holy fuck dude that sucks

TG: im just picturing like 3 year old you tryna spell your full name for the first time and you gotta remember how to spell fuckin histrelin

TG: id honestly rather have my middle name be porn than histrelin

TG: like holy shit dude how do you even pronounce that

CG: OH SHUT UP FUCKASS

CG: I CAN JUST GO ASK ROSE WHAT YOUR MIDDLE NAME IS SHE PROBABLY KNOWS

TG: shes elbow deep in pussy right now i wouldnt bother her

CG: WHAT THE FUCK

TG: sorry i forgot you were gay. ysee a pussy is a slang term for female genitalia. like a dick but inside out

CG: THATS THE WORST DESCRIPTION YOU COULD HAVE EVER USED 

CG: ALSO; OF COURSE I KNOW WHAT A PUSSY IS IM FRIENDS WITH YOU

TG: calling me a pussy as an insult is implying that women and all things associated with women is inherently bad, thus furthering misogynistic beliefs in the modern society

CG: DID YOU COPY PASTE THAT FROM TUMBLR OR WHAT

TG: yeah ive had it in a google doc for 5 years waiting for the perfect chance to copy paste it 

TG: you have me all figured out karkles

CG: THATS KIND OF THE WORST FUCKING NICKNAME IN THE WORLD

TG: sorry would you rather i call you histrelin

TG: i could call you karkitty like nepeta

TG: or just kar

TG: ahah beep beep

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP OR IM GONNA EAT YOUR ASS

TG: if thats the case i aint ever shutting up

TG: what if i called you karkalicious like the hit song fergalicious by fergie

TG: we should totally do a parody of that song 

CG: I HATE 2 AM DAVE YOURE SO DUMB

TG: thats implying that im normally smart

TG: we all know i aint got brains for shit

CG: WHY ARE YOU UP AT 2 AM 

TG: i was jacking off

CG: THEN WHY ARE YOU TEXTING ME

TG: needed more material B)

CG: YOURE SUCH A FUCKING NERD

TG: nah legit i was just bored. 2 am and i cant get to sleep

TG: what are u doing up

CG: SAME THING

CG: COULDNT GET TO SLEEP

TG: damn we really gotta do some shit 

TG: tomorrow lets run a marathon so we’ll be extra tired 

CG: THATS ONLY THE WORST IDEA YOUVE EVER HAD

CG: YOU COULD COME WITH ME TO THIS COFFEE AND SANDWICH SHOP FOR LUNCH THOUGH

TG: would you pay

CG: BROKE ASS

CG: BUT YEAH SURE WHATEVER

CG: ILL PICK YOU UP AT 11:30

TG: can you drive?

CG: NO DUMBASS MY BROTHER

CG: HES SUPPOSED TO WATCH ME AND SHIT BUT HE JUST DUMPS ME AT RANDOM PLACES WHILE HE DOES HELL KNOWS WHAT

TG: damn thats rough

TG: cant believe you still gotta babysitter at 16

CG: IM KIND OF RECKLESS IF YOU HAVENT NOTICED

CG: LAST TIME THEY LEFT ME HOME ALONE WHEN I WAS LIKE 14 I NEARLY DOWNED A BOTTLE OF PAIN KILLERS SO THEY’VE GOT A REASON

TG: shit now we’re getting serious sorry dude 

CG: IF YOU CANT HANDLE ME AT MY SUICIDAL THOUGHTS YOU DONT DESERVE MY SUICIDAL JOKES

TG: once i said i was gonna throw myself off a building and some kid said ‘its not funny to joke about suicide its a serious topic’ and i looked her right in the eye and said ‘i wasnt joking’

TG: i swear she nearly called the cops

CG: HAHHAH HOLY SHIT

CG: IM HONESTLY SURPRISED YOU HAVENT ENDED UP IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL YET

TG: i know like half our friends have been in a mental hospital i feel like im missing out

CG: IT SUCKS THERES NOTHING TO DO 

CG: AND YOU HAVE TO PRETEND TO BE HAPPY UGH 

TG: ew sounds like hell

CG: I KNOW RIGHT THEY MAKE YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS AND SHIT

CG: 0/10 WOULD NOT RECOMMEND

TG: not even to me? a mentally unstable individual?

CG: JUST COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR FEELING TO SOMEONE RANDOM AND MAYBE YOU’LL FEEL BETTER

TG: isnt that whats happening right now

CG: NO YOURE NOT A RANDOM PERSON

CG: AND WE’RE BOTH HELLA TIRED SO WE’RE DUMBER THAN BALLS AND ITS HILARIOUS

TG: shit yeah i should probably try to go to sleep

TG: this is like my 5th day staying up till 2am

CG: HOLY FUCK YEAH DUDE GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP

TG: nah

TG: not if youre gonna stay up

CG: IF I GO TO SLEEP WILL YOU GO TO SLEEP

TG: yes

CG: BRAT. YOU HAVE TO SAY GOODNIGHT THOUGH

TG: what

TG: why

TG: we can just both log off

CG: SAY GOODNIGHT FUCKASS

TG: why dont you say it ass fuck

CG: THATS NOT HOW THIS WORKS ALSO DONT FLIP AROUND MY INSULTS THATS JUST WRONG

TG: fine goodnight sleep tight dont let the bed bugs bite do you want me to tuck you in and give you a kiss too? 

CG: YES. GOODNIGHT DAVE

okay maybe hes got a point. when karkat said goodnight to you, there was a bubble of emotion in your chest. it felt kind of nice.

now you’ve just gotta figure out how to fall asleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah so ive been busy with school n suffering so thats why chapters r slow


	17. in which its not a date i swear dude

TT: congratulations on your date

what.

what?

TG: what?

why is that the text you wake up to? what does rose know that you dont? is this a prank? its not april fools day. did she set you up with someone?

TT: i heard through the grapevine that you were going to lunch with karkat

TG: yeah karkat invited me its not a date tho

TT: oh really? what makes it not a date?

TG: we have to be dating to go on a date

TT: incorrect, a date is defined as a social or romantic appointment

TG: yeah its not romantic 

TT: 👀👀

TG: dont use emojis its cringey 

TG: also i dont like how you’re implying karkat and i are in love

TT: you’re literally going on a date

TG: men can be friends rose you are part of the problem of toxic masculinity

TT: if i gave you twenty dollars would you kiss him

TG: bitch id kiss him for free

TG: no wait that was impulse i swear im not actually in love with him

TG: its all joke flirting 

TT: but would you kiss him?

TG: for twenty dollars? helll yeah. id kiss you for twenty dollars

TT: okay its a deal then. if you kiss him by the end of your not-date i you will be in possession of a crisp twenty

TG: does it need to be a lip kiss or just a cheek kiss

TT: whatever fits the mood

TT: also you’re obviously not allowed to say ‘im doing this for money’

TT: thats cheating

TG: that twenty better be crisp lalonde. i want to be to cut apples with it

TT: i’ll contact the president to print one right away

TG: does the president control the money printers?

TT: i have no fucking clue

that makes you snort. rose always acts like she knows everything, but shes as much of a dumbass as the rest of you.

anyway you’re glad rose reminded you that you were going out. you havent showered in about three days and totally would have forgotten. its already 9 so youve really only got an hour. 

“hey bro im headin out for lunch with a friend.”

he takes out one ear bud and makes you repeat the question. then he raises an eyebrow. “which friend?”

“karkat. his brother is driving us.”

“and you’re going out to lunch with only him?”

you look him right in the eyes. “yes and its not a date.”

bro quickly looks away. “didnt say it was,” he mutters.

“you were thinking it i just know you were.”

he shrugs. “im just sayin last time i went out with a boy my age i came back limping-“

you cover your ears. “i am not listening to you!”

you eat a light breakfast of cereal (you cant be too hungry for lunch cause karkats paying and you dont want to get a lot of food) and then hippity hop into the shower.

you’re completely ready by 10:30, which means you have an hour of awkward waiting. you’re all dressed and your hairs combed, so you dont really feel comfortable enough to just sit and watch tv. its an awkward hour.

you eventually get the text saying ‘COME TO THE PARKING LOT FUCKASS’ and you come to the parking lot (fuckass)

“karkat go sit in the back with your friend,” his brother insists. karkats sitting the shotgun, and refuses to move.

“i dont need to sit in the back with him hes a responsible kid he doesnt need a f- a babysitter!”

you crawl in the back of the little car. “nice catch dude.”

karkat glares a ‘fuck you’ at you. you grin. its gonna be a good day.

“so dave, do you have a job yet?” kankri asks.

“yeah my job is fucking your mom.” 

kankri visibly flinches, which is always a good sign. Karkat looks like hes gonna kill you, which is also a good sign.

Kankri avoids talking to you for the rest of the ride. Its honestly for his own good. The sandwich coffee place is this little building, im talking extremely small, and its not very crowded. 

“Say hi to your mom for me,” you say as kankri drives away and karkat punches you, and it aint a gentle one. “Dude ow?”

“Quit fuckin swearing in front of my brother! He’s gonna go home and pray for like half an hour now!”

You chuckle. “The bad thing is i cant tell if your joking or not.”

“Hes actually been really weird lately. I think he made some gay friends or something and figured out that gay people arent satan spawn and is trying to change.”

“Aw. well good for him i guess. Cant get mad at him for trying. Did i ever tell you my bro was gay?”

Karkat snorts. “What do you mean ‘was’ gay?”

“He phrased it as ‘bi-curious’ and he was a bottom!”

“You say that like you’re a top,” he mutters and your mouth actually makes an o with shock.

“You think im a bottom??!?” you exclaim way too loudly for a small coffee and sandwich shop.

“Well you’re a switch at best.’

“Whats your evidence! Why do you think im a bottom?!”

He looks you up and down real slow like. “I’d top you.”

You actually sputter, lost for words. “You’re like 5 feet tall you could never top me!”

Karkat tries to raise one eyebrow, but he ultimately fails and ends up raising both. “Bet?”

You start laughing. “Oh dude not to get off topic but speaking of bets, rose said she’d give me 20$ if i kissed you today.”

He snorts as well. “Rose is a fucking idiot.”

“I know right i was like ‘bitch id do it for free’ but yknow 20$ is 20$.”

“So?” he looks at you with big eyes. “Are y’gonna kiss me?”

“Well i cant just kiss you! It has to be the right mood, and you cant be expecting it! Technically i wasnt supposed to even tell you about the dare, but honestly fuck rose.”

He snorts. “What do you want?” he asks, gesturing to the big menu over the cashier.

“Mmmmmmm can i get a motherfuckin uhhhhhhhhhhhhh beesechurger?” you say and karkat rolls his eyes. “Can i have a hot chocolate and a ham and salami sandwich?”

“You’re asking like im about to say no.”

“You could very easily say no! Some people have manners, karkles,”

He snorts, probably at the dumb nickname. “Imagine having manners. Couldnt be me.”

Karkat orders some weird frilly tea and a matching fancy sandwich.

“I think sandwiches with more than two ingredience is a rich person thing.” you say staring at his monstrosity of a sandwich. Its got tomatoes in it. Who the fuck likes tomatoes.

“Broke ass.” he mutters sweetly.

“If i kiss you and you taste like tomatoes im gonna throw up.”

“What are you gonna do when you eat my ass?”

You raise an eyebrow. “I thought you were gonna top?”

He rolls your eyes cause you’ve made a good point. He stuffs his mouth full of sandwich so he doesnt have to respond. You do the same, but silence isnt awkward if you both have your mouths stuff.

Woah that came out sexual.

In all honesty though you’ve really stopped feeling awkward around karkat. You could easily sit in a room with him, no talking, and be perfectly comfortable. You tell him so.

“Well yeah i should hope you’re comfortable around me.” he teases.

“No but like im not comfortable around anyone. Ever. rose is an exception, sometimes, but i still feel like i need a reason to hang out with her. Even john is on the fence being uncomfortable.

Karkat sighs. “I miss john.”

“Bro you know hes not dead right.”

“Shut up you know what i mean.”

And you do know what he means. When the semester changes johns lunch hour changed and because hes a sophomore, no one has classes with him. Its sort of been like hes dead, except he is very much alive.

“You could’ve invited him to lunch.” you point out.

“No fucking way ive had too many awkward dates with john im not about to add another one to the list.”

“Oh but an awkward date with me is fine.”

“You just said yourself its not awkward!”

“So then its just a date.” you say mostly to yourself cause shit was rose right is this a date.

“I mean you already said you were gonna kiss me,” karkat sips his tea. He looks like a meme.

“Im pretty sure everyone thinks we’re fucking. At least rose and my bro do.”

“Who are we to disappoint the fans.” he winks at you.

“Dude seriously when did you get so smooth if i didnt know how much of a crybaby nerd you are id literally be swooning right now.”

“You say that like you arent already over the moon for me,”

You put on your best stereotypical high pitched girl voice. “Oh mr.vantas!” you say in a breathy voice, like a whore. 

His eyes go lidded and he puts on his deepest voice and growls. “Call me daddy sweetheart.”

You start laughing way too hard. “Bro im sorry i cant-” you say in between fits. “This shit is just too funny, i dont know why.”

Karkat has his face in his hands with regret. “We probably both have serious daddy issues too.”

“You fucking know it dude.” you hold out your fist for a fist bump. He of course bunps back.

“Fisting on the first date dave? Slut.” 

“i wonder what straight people talk about at lunch. do you think they talk about the weather? or like, how much they hate their wives?”

“hell probably.” he sips his tea. “ive always thought it was weird that straight people just kind of date someone they barely know. they way i see it, you should become friends with someone before you date them.”

“well duh that makes sense. unless its like a one night stand or whatever.”

“straight people will really date a guy they’ve never met before for 3 months and then break up.”

“to be fair,” you add. “lots of gay people do that too.”

he snorts. “shit you’re right! i guess i did that huh. i discovered i liked men and immediately started slobbering over every man within a three foot radius.”

“remember like three months ago when i wasnt gay?”

“you were still gay, you just didnt know yet,” he corrects. fuckin liberal.

“no im pretty sure john turned me gay. he wore that skirt and i was like ‘damn’”

“but johns not gay, so he cant turn you gay,” 

you shrug. “maybe you turned me gay then. one of you filthy homos did it.”

he rolls his eyes. “ugh, disgusting homosexuals. i hate gays.” he checks an invisible watch. “lets go home and have hot ball slapping gay butt sex.”

you almost snort your hot chocolate. “Seriously though how long are we staying here? Not that im in a hurry to leave, i just like to know certain times.”

Karkat shrugs. “I mean technically we could leave whenever. I think kankri’s just studying at the library or hanging out with friends.”

“Maybe hes having hot ball slapping gay butt sex.”

“I dont even think he has any guy friends! Then again, he made a bunch of new friends recently, so i dont know.”

“He’d probably be like, giving out tips and pointers the whole time. Like, ‘if you angle your genitalia slightly, it could quite possibly continue to arouse me,’”

Karkat chuckles. “You dont even know enough big words to pretend to sound smart!”

“What can i say, im a simple man no need for big words.”

The rest of lunch kind of blurs by. You cant remember much after the first thirty minutes. You and karkat created such a comfortable and weird conversation, you have never felt more relaxed in your life. You just sat, and did shit, and it felt okay. Not overwhelmingly happy, but more than just content. Comfortable? Rose probably has a word for it.

But, of course, you remember the last thing you did. Karkats brother drove you home, and you insisted that karkat walk you to your apartment.

“Hello no dude why do you need me to walk you to your apartment its not like you’re gonna get lost!”

You look at him with big eyes, which means nothing behind the shades.

“Karkat!”’ kankri practically barks. “Go walk your friend to his apartment! My goodness you have no manners!”

Karkat grumbles, complains, and grumbles a little more.

“Seriously why the fuck are you making me do this??” 

You roll your eyes as you approach your apartment. “Its just the polite thing to do, jeez.”

You unlock the door and start to twist the handle. Karkat starts to walk away, and you quickly grab his waist and pull him in close, giving him a light smooch on the lips.

You grin when you see his face. “I gotta get my $20 dude!”

He punches you, and you honestly arent sure why. “You’re insufferable!” he says smiling.

“Whatever you say babe!” you say as you walk into the apartment.

Your bro is sitting there. One eye brow up.

You sigh dramatically. “Rose dared me $20 to kiss him! I swear we’re not dating!”

Bro shakes his head sadly. “Next time i see that poor boy i’ll hafta to him on behalf of my idiot brother. He probably thinks you’re going steady with three dates.”

“If anything its only been one date! I think..” well there were all those times he helped you study…

“Whatever. Dont take my advice anyway. Im just a sad old unmarried boomer with no kids and a brother to raise.”

“I wouldn’t take your advice anyway,” you say and quickly abscond to your room.

You’re sick of people thinking you’re dating karkat.

You would never.

Well.

maybe.


	18. in which they dont kiss

rose approaches you one day. she saunters right up to you and sits in the chair next to you, crossing her legs.

“what do you want,” you hiss at her. shes suspicious.

“cant i just sit next to my favorite relative next to my sister?”

you squint at her which means nothing behind the shades. 

“sollux, kanaya, and terezi are making a minecraft server and want to know if you want in.”

you laugh like a crazy person. “sorry thats just not what i was expecting you to say. you’re always like, making deals and talking about shit.”

“i unfortunately do not have anything to bug you about today. also you never actually answered if you want in the server or not.”

“oh hell yes. i never really considered kanaya to be a gamer though.”

rose shrugs. “i mean shes not a hard-core gamer like the rest of us, but ive been showing her some of my old minecraft worlds and she got interested.”

“oh so you’re just doing this so you can spend some extra time with your girl crush.”

“we can invite karkat to the server too.”

“i dont like what you’re implying there lalonde.”

she grins daintily, somehow. “my apologies. i just assumed it would only be fair to bring up your love life failure if you were bringing up mine.”

“first of all, karkat and i arent in love, and if we were it wouldnt be a failure. second of all, we are not talking about this. unless you want to spill the tea about you and kanaya cause you KNOW im a bitch for drama.”

she sits up a little straighter and you know you’re in for a treat. “well if you really want to know, we’re not dating yet and yes i am madly in love with her. yes, i also am going to try to flirt with her using minecraft.”

“damn rose you’re so smooth i dont know how you’re not ass deep in ladies right now.”

she glares at you. “so whats the situation with you and karkat? or should i say, spill the tea?”

eye roll time. “everyone thinks we’re dating and im sick of it.”

“do you like him though?” 

“as a friend, yeah! and clearly i think hes attractive, ive kissed him sure, but im not like in love with him!”

rose pauses. shes thinking. if this was an intense drama movie a bead of sweat would roll down your face.

“dave,” she starts, slowly. “have you ever felt love before?” she asks.

“well dear rose theres many different types of love y’see theres platonic and theres rom-“

“have you felt any kind of love. ever.” she corrects.

“uh. i mean probably. i platonically love john. well maybe its a little romantic. johns pretty cute not gonna lie.”

she snaps with a smile, and it honestly startles you. “thats it dave!”

“jeez dont scare me like that i almost had a fucking heartattack you crazy broad!”

“you cant tell the difference between platonic and romantic love!”

“bullshit.” you mutter. 

“its true im a genius. thats why you dont think you’re in love with karkat!”

“im pretty sure im not, rose can we please not talk about this-“

“you’ve never felt romantic love before, so you just automatically assumed that it was platonic!”

“rose!” you raise your voice slightly. “first of all, you cant just make assumptions like that! you cant just say ‘oh you’re in love’ when im obviously not! thats my decision!”

rose stares at you with startled eyes. you’ve never raised your voice at anyone, you think. “i do apologize dave. i got so caught up in solving my own mystery i forgot to think about how you feel.” a small grin starts to form on her face. “ive never seen you get so defensive about something before. you know, they say when someone gets extremely defensive about something-“

“rose are you fucking kidding me.” you roll your eyes and she laughs. “you’re going to make me have a crisis okay now ive got to contemplate what it feels like to be in love. i should invite karkat over to make out with me, to see if i feel any love between us.”

“i personally think that would be a great idea.” 

“yeah whatever.” you mutter. but you really do start thinking about it. love and shit. how are you supposed to tell if you’re in love if you’ve never been in love before? all the movies you’ve watched just show a boy and a girl making eye contact for like five seconds and you already know they’re in love. you dont dream of kissing karkat, or fucking or anything. he’d be fun to have as a roommate. hes the kind of friend you dont think you’d ditch after highschool. sure, you could marry him, and you probably wouldnt mind. but do you want to marry him? no fucking clue! you’re in highschool you shouldnt be thinking about marriage! or sex or kissing! 

rose is watching you slowly freak out. “dave?”

“rose can you describe love to me?”

she chuckles softly. “i didnt mean to give you an existential crisis, although some part of me kind of did. love feels, well, it feels right. you feel happy, and you cant stop thinking about the person you love. it feels fun and adorable, and just… right.”

“that makes no fucking sense.”

she huffs at you. “well its not easy to describe an emotion.”

“i’ll just look it up. im sure someone out there has a decent description of it.” so when you google ‘what does love feel like’ you get some of the most batshit crazy ideas. ‘You bounce between exhilaration, euphoria, increased energy, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, trembling, a racing heart and accelerated breathing, as well as anxiety, panic and feelings of despair when your relationship suffers even the smallest setback’

what the FUCK. theres no way someone actually feels like that when they’re in love. sounds like the flu.

you consider that a dead end. 

“why dont you invite karkat somewhere nice for lunch,” rose suggests. “and tell him how you feel about everything?”

you think about it for a second. hell yes you love lunch food. “deal but only if you do the same thing with kanaya.”

you see the lightest blush on her cheeks. “deal.” she agrees.

rose ends up planning her lunch right away, and within a week you see her kiss kanaya. damn. lesbians can work FAST sometimes. you’re kind of proud of rose, you’re not sure why, but you’re just proud that she is happy and stable in life.

now your lunch with karkat is a different story. first of all, you’re broke. you didnt want to pay for the meal, and you didnt want karkat to have to pay for your brokeass, so you just invited him to your house after school friday. 

he gives you a sly look. “whats the occasion?” he asks.

you shrug. “i guess i just wanted to talk.” 

then you have to kick bro out. he works from his laptop in the living room a lot, and you dont want him there.

“dude you have your own room! please bro c’mon ive got a boy over!” you whisper yelled at him.

he raised an eyebrow and smiled, but complied and went to his room.

and then it was finally just you and karkat.

“so now what’re you gonna tell me?” karkat asks.

“what? i dont have anything to tell you.” once again, you imagine a bead of sweat rolling down your face.

“seriously dave you invited me over to your house and even kicked your brother out. whats wrong.”

oh shit he looks worried. you laugh at that. “sorry, you look like im about to tell you im dying or something. its not a big deal i swear.”

he seems to relax a little, and starts munch on the doritos you put on the table. hey, its lunch.

“i just,” you start. “fuck. i guess i just wanted to talk about… our relationship?” you dont really know how to phrase it.

“yeah what about it.” karkat asks.

“i dont know.” you groan and put your hands over your eyes. “rose pressured me into doing this cause she thinks we’re dating!”

“we’re not dating?” karkat exclaims.

“are we dating?” you exclaim back.

“i dont know, are we?!” 

you both sit there for a second. huh. um. were you and karkat dating this whole time?

karkat clears his throat. “i mean, we went on a date. i guess i still wasnt sure if we were dating but. dude you kissed me.”

“I explicitly said it was a dare from rose!”

“i thought that was the joke! that rose dared you to kiss me on our date!”

you start laughing. “we’re huge fucking idiots arent we.”

karkats starts laughing, which makes you laugh harder, and now you’re stuck in a weird laughing fit.

“this is hell!” karkat chuckles as things die down. “so what is it. are we a couple or not.”

“well i originally invited you over to ask if you loved me.” 

he shrugs. “i mean i like you a lot, but i dont know if its quite at love yet,”

“can you…. like, can you describe love to me?” you stutter.

you can see karkat bite his lip as he thinks of an answer. “i guess love feels like, kind of like that laughing fit we just had. there wasnt a reason for it, it was dumb, but it felt nice. and it was happy.”

oh. 

is love the dumb happy feeling? 

“wait is love the dumb happy feeling?” you ask, and received a weird look from karkat. “the feeling where, like, when you’re around someone, and you feel like you can act dumb, and it makes you happy. you dont need to be smart, or pretend, or act like someone you’re not to get them to like you. you can just be a fucking idiot and they’ll just laugh at you and it feels good.”

“what the fuck are you saying strider.”

“the dumb happy feeling! like when i pronounce a word wrong in front of you and rose and you guys laugh at me cause i was dumb, but i feel happy instead of feeling sad!”

“you just described being comfortable with someone!”

“but is that love??”

“kind of??”

you slam your palms into your eyes. “karkat none of this makes any sense!”

he yells some sort of frustrated groan. “just fucking kiss me and see how it feels!”

“what! no way dude!” you start backing up. you cant kiss someone you just cant.

“why the fuck not! just kiss me and if you like it we start dating, okay?” 

“i just cant fucking kiss you dude! i just cant i dont feel that way! i dont know!!” you’re so mad at yourself! you just cant kiss him you dont know why.

“you’ve kissed me before?!”

“it was a joke! a dare! there wasnt any like, emotion!”

“dave!” he stop and just looks at you. you look at him. he steps closer and puts a hand on your face, just barely cupping your jaw.

“karkat-“ you dont really want to stop him. it feels kind of nice having his hand on your face. hes warm. hes always been so warm. 

he puts his face really close to yours. your noses are almost touching. he lets out a shaky breath and chuckles. “d’you wanna kiss?” he asks with a laugh.

you laugh in return and move your hands so they’re cradling the back of his head. he loves having his hair played with. “i dont know. it kind of feels nice just standing like this.”

when he breathes you can feel it on your jaw. “why dont we just sit on the couch, like this, and watch some shitty anime or something.”

“just like- cuddling?”

he shrugs. “yeah i guess.”

and thats what you guys do. you sit on the couch and he curls up close next to you. you watch some shitty anime that karkat picked. it has vampires. you continue to play with his hair. its tangled, but soft. you’re pretty sure bro sees you with a hand full of boy, but you’ll explain later. right now you’re just super warm and comfortable.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you guys for your comments i appreciate the feedback!


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